NL Central Purple Prose Index, Week #8

My weekly diary of RJ Vasilak's ups and downs, and ups and downs, and ups and...oh, he's already finished. So grab your prescription RecSpecs shades and unnecessary adverbs as we wade out into the HEAT.

Cardinals: (4-2)

Yes, the Birds were feasting on also-rans: Usually birds feast on detritus and carrion, such as Scott Rolen's career and RJ Vasilak's prose.

Even better, the Cards' Big Three have started to breathe fire: Can you feel the HEAT?! In fairness, while all three are breathing fire, only Edmonds has grown wings, a large spiked tail and is covered with thick scales.

The question: Can St. Louis keep up the pace against tougher opponents?: The question: Can Eckstein keep up his onanism stats once he returns home for a long home stand? This statboy, for one, is concerned.

As of Memorial Day, it's clear: With an aging roster and a patched-together pitching staff, the Cardinals will need a dose of that famed Tony La Russa magic to contend for the division title.: Let me take this one; I speak mixaphor. As old and broken down as the Cardinals are, they will need a dose of that famed Tony La Russa "magic." He keeps "magic" in his hip flask.

Pirates: (3-3)

In Pittsburgh, Week #8 was a tale of two series, both sweeps.: Fortunately, PNC park officials did not have to hand out brooms to Pirate fans as they all had brought their own from their night jobs.

(Adding injury to insult, Aaron Miles drilled a liner off Gorzelanny's thumb in the sixth inning of Thursday's game, sending the Pirates' ace to the nearest x-ray machine but, thankfully, not out of the rotation.): "X-Ray Machine" that's some technical jargon for you plebes out there. The insult Aaron Miles added to Gorzelanny's injury was "poop breath."

Against Cincinnati, the powerful Pirates broke a season-high five-game losing streak, posted Steelers-like scores: And brought Steeler-like mayhem to the city with Damaso Marte spearing Adam Dunn's knee, Xavier Nagy's pit bulls eating a horse, and Jason Bay wrecking his motorcycle after growing an ill-considered goatee.  

Jose Bautisa appears to have won the lead-off job, with Chris Duffy dropped to second and Jack Wilson glued to the eighth spot.: Apparently line-ups are decided by Naked Exploded Rosin Bag Wrestling in the Bucs' clubhouse. Makes more sense than whatever Jerry's using.

As of Memorial Day, it's clear: Given the quality of their third, fourth, and fifth starters, by August the Pirates will have walked the plank.: I nominate this particular sentence as this week's David Caruso moment. RJ has just slipped on his shades and tilted his head to the side. Now, go find the real killers.

Cubs: (2-5)

Like so many managers who've come and gone in the Windy City, these days Lou Piniella is fretting about his bullpen.: And cellphones that are killing bees. And gas prices. Have you seen how much super is?

He's wondering where his team might be if the pen hadn't crumbled against Philadelphia: I haven't looked at the schedule, but I imagine they would still be in Chicago. Maybe we can stitch that on the inside of Lou's coat or something.

He's trying to shake the memory of Week #8's collapses in Los Angeles, where on Friday the pen blew a three-run, eighth-inning lead. He's trying to shake the memory of Week #8's bender in Los Angeles where on Friday he blew a three-ounce, eight-inning bag of coke off a stripper's ass at Tommy Lasorda's place.

Piniella: "We've got chances to do things in baseball games and just don't." When pressed to be more specific by one questioner, Pinella and a host of beat writers scoffed at the questioner's obvious lack of simple baseball knowledge: "Things, you know? Things that work on the baseball field. That's where those things need to happen."

Better late than never, the Cubs announced that they'll immortalize Ernie Banks (a two-time MVP, a 14-time all-star, and a Hall of Famer) with a statue outside Wrigley. When reached for comment, the local Bird population admitted that they had no immediate plans to use the new Ernie Banks statue. In an act of solidarity with their bretheren in St. Louis, they will continue shitting on Wrigley field.

Brewers: (1-5)

When it rains, it pours.: And when it pours, water carves into bedrock causing tiny cracks and fissures, which can become canyons over time. Which is the stage where the Brewers appeared in last week's HEAT INDEX. Congratulations Milwaukee, your team is turning back geological time.

Ned Yost: "We need to pick our game up, and we need to pick it up soon." It might get cold sitting by the register. And if you're over 45 minutes late in picking up your game, sometimes they just throw it out.

In an indication of management's distress, the Brewers brought up their top prospect, third-baseman Ryan Braun (.342 with 10 home runs at AAA Nashville), a move that makes third-basemen Craig Counsell (.231) and Tony Graffanino (.187) expendable. "In an indication of management's distress, the Brewers brought up...Craig Counsell and Tony Graffanino" Fixed.

Just a couple of weeks after he exchanged unpleasantries with Pirates reliever Matt Capps, Prince Fielder got into a shouting match with Mariano Duncan: His eminence M. Duncan impugned the fineness of the Prince's stables, suggesting that his prize Arabian "Bolero" could best any old nag the Prince might post in the Nottingham Open Run 4 chances out of the 5. The Prince remarked that any further impudence from M. Duncan would not be brooked and that he might be assured that they would fetch him nothing save a swift clip about the ear.

He reportedly treated the wound with Stan's Rodeo Rub, a balm created by Stan Johnson, the Dodgers' trainer and a former rodeo cowboy.: Sheets received the wound after being thrown off a bucking Kevin Mench, whose testicles had been bound by a thick rope in keeping with the traditions observed by all Milwaukee utility outfielders.

Mark Attanasio, the team's principal owner: "When you're winning, it feels like you're never going to lose. And when you're losing, it feels like you're never going to win.": "And when you're as rich as I am, it feels like you're never going to give a flying fuck."

As of Memorial Day, it's clear: Milwaukee has a young, talented core of players and will be a force in the NL Central for years to come.: A red hot core of talent and liquid magma deep beneath the crust of the Earth. Reversing. Geological. Time.

Reds: (1-6)

That hissing sound you hear is the air going out of Cincinnati's season.: Thankfully, it's not the tires. Those fell off last week, off the bus that was out of gas the week before. So the hissing sound you hear is Tracy Jones and Mark Sheldon speaking to one another.

Bob Castellini, the team's dismayed owner: The bemused owner could not be reached for comment.

[Castellini] gave the boys a pep talk before Wednesday's game, inspiring them to lose every game for the rest of the week.: Castellini then gave a pep talk to the girl's down at Our Lady of Deferred Enjoyment, warning them that little lies make the virgin weep and that red, red lipstick leads to unwanted babies.

The question: Have the Reds quit on Jerry Narron?: "No, reality has just simply quit on Earth."- CTR

Milestones: Ken Griffey hit three home runs this week, including #547 of his career.: I defer here to Brendanukkah: "I thought Griffey's homerun #547 was really something special.  Last year."

The Reds put Josh Hamilton (gastroenteritis) on the DL and recalled -- shudder -- Edwin Encarnacion, whose .218 batting average and team-leading six errors got him shipped off to AAA Louisville in Week #6.: Another Latino taking a white man's job. Shudder indeed, Mr. Vasilak, shudder indeed.

The Reds gave Todd Coffey (4.94 ERA) a ticket to Louisville.: While they gave Edwin Encarnacion dos boletos a paradiso.

Go figure: Cribbing sidebars from Sports Illustrated? Really, guy?

As of Memorial Day, it's clear: The Reds can hit with any team in the division, but they can't pitch with any of them.: And you've just GOT TO HAVE pitching. And hitting. And defense. And uniforms.

Astros: (0-7)

The spirits are willing, but the bats are weak.: Second week in a row with a sexual pun on offensive potency. I'm starting to wonder if RJ and I were separated at birth. Too bad he got all the talent.

The Astros recorded the Heat Index's first shut-out of the season: Damn those Astros, claiming all these Heat Index records for themselves. How long before Jayson Stark starts referring to Heat Index milestones in his arguments for the Hall?

On Wednesday, Morgan Ensberg hit a home run off Barry Zito, but no other Astro got past first base.: Proof again that Zito prefers bears. One wonders why he left Oakland for San Fran.

Woody Williams: "We're not hitting the way we can, we're not pitching the way we can, and we're not fielding the way we can.": My grandmother jars fruit preserves every summer, and I can assure you that Astros are a great collection of canners (especially Luke Scott). If they could play the way they can, the rest of the NL Central would be in deep shit.

Phil Garner: "We're trying to keep an upbeat spirit about it.": Jerry Narron scoffs at your "upbeat spirit" Phil Garner. THINK LUCKY, BITCHES!

Brad Lidge, who has an ERA of 1.04 in his last 17-plus innings, missed the weekend's games due to a bone bruise on his femur.: And he's probably back on heroin. Right? Or do we only use "allegedly" for injuries dealing with Josh Hamilton. Let me check the 2007 Heat Index Style Guide...

As of Memorial Day, it's clear: Biggio's pursuit of his 3,000th hit, combined with the franchise's loyalty to Ensberg (.230) and Adam Everett (.190), has strangled the offense.: "The Memorial Day Stranglers...their story tonight...on American Justice...I'm Bill Curtis."

Infield Chatter:

Boy, it was an ugly week in the Central...:  Boy? Who you callin' Boy?.... Oh, wait, is this still part of the Astros' entry?