NL Central Purple Prose Index, Week #7

My weekly diary of the R.J. Vasilak's ups and downs. This week, in celebration of interleague play (baseball's version of the circus coming to town, only more lame and outdated), I select the most asinine phrases from the NL Central Heat Index. Break out the lotion; it's time for slow motion!

Astros:

Let's hear it for mediocrity!: I think I can hear mediocrity from the Astros. But I'm not sure. The phrasing is a little strange and awkward. Quick, get a Cubs fan to translate it for us.

Never wandering far from the painfully hum-drum, Houston finished Week #7 with a 3-3 record: Kids, you should never wander far from the hum-drum, at least not without a buddy; I don't care how painful that hum-drum become.

The Astros scored a glorious nine runs vs. San Francisco: And they looked simply scrumptious in their tasteful dark wine road uniforms with matted gold trim. Chris Sampson? Delilah-lightful.

Carlos Lee had one man-size game for the week: Craig Biggio had two midget-size games for the week and continues to play over his head.

Biggio: "The road to success is always under construction.": Man Mountain: "Houston is always under construction. Why can't it just be underwater?"  

His third consecutive lights-out performance.: Lidge might be reducing Houston's carbon foot print with all his light extinguishing ways, but he is killing their heat index. Biggio: White light, white heat.

But [Lidge has] blanked his opponents in 17 of his last 20 appearances.: Much like Tim Purpura has blanked the Astro's roster, and by "blanked" I mean "made white."

Cubs

...the whispers around the ballpark have Carlos Marmol and Angel Guzman taking prominent roles in the bullpen: Alright, look, the only thing one might hear whispered around Wrigley field is the following: "Darling, I think we'll need to leave by the 6th quarter if we're going to make the opening for Eibholin's new installation."

Aramis Ramirez sizzled: sizzled...with HEAT!!!

Pirates

Remember the dead offense that Jim Tracy was so furiously trying to revive in Week #6? Well, it's alive!: Remember it! How could I forget that lean, lean man trying to bring his revivifying powers to bear on that corpse with such singular fury! Would you like to know why?.

[The bullpen] promptly capsized under the weight of its good fortune and gave up seven runs: If you've got a bullpen that prompt, that is fortunate, heavily fortunate, which weighs a lot, which is too bad because weight causes capsizing to occur much more on time, which is unfortunate, when you think about it.

Reds

The wheels are falling off the bus: young wheels, wheels that haven't paid their dues, and don't know how to rotate the right way (forward usually, though backwards sometimes). Send 'em down to AAA (joke!).

[The Reds] finished Week #7 a discouraging 10 games under .500: I always thought 10 games under .500 was kind of encouraging; now you tell me the exact opposite is true? Cats and dogs living together!!

Jerry Narron, having officially reached the boiling point: For those of you too lazy to look it up that's 212 F (officially) for water.

The question: Exactly how hot is the seat Narron is sitting on?: For those of you too lazy to look at the answer above, it's still 212 F (100 C)

Josh Hamilton was hospitalized early Saturday morning with gastroenteritis, cause undisclosed: Since you seem to be so fond of abverbs; here's an adverb for you: GO DIRECTLY TO HELL!

Arroyo: "There's no place to go but up.: Bronson, repeating the lie his A&R guy told him last year about the record sales of "Covering the Bases."

Brewers

From tiny fissures do great canyons grow.: True enough, but it should be noted that it takes several million years for a "tiny" fissure to achieve the size necessary to be considered a proper canyon. The wellspring that created the United States' Grand Canyon, for instance, first started winnowing the Arizona limestone the same year the Cubs last won a World Series.

leaving Ned Yost fearing that his team is about to fall into a big, black hole: AKA MargeSchottsMuff

Their bats went limp against a pitcher just called up from AAA: The pitcher: Susan Estrich

[Turnbow's] ERA ballooned from 1.76 to 4.24: Balloon's expand due to gas, ergo Turnbow has a lot of gas.

[Yost] called a team meeting to clear the recently fouled air: (see above)

J. J. Hardy, still scorching, went nine for 30 in Week #7: scorching...with...(wait for it)...all that damned HEAT!!

Jeff Suppan, Bill Hall, Capuano, and Hardy will play themselves in an upcoming episode of "The Young and the Restless.": I thought at first this was some bizarre attempt at a joke, but it's actually true. I then thought this was a rather ass-headed ratings pitch for sweeps week until I read who the president of CBS Daytime Programming was. Hint: it rhymes with "Rain Nivsky."

Cardinals

If you think the Washington Nationals have the fewest wins in the National League, you're only half right. The Nats share 16 wins with St. Louis, last year's World Champions,which is ignominiously running shoulder-to-shoulder with a team that isn't even trying to win any games this season: I hadn't heard that the Nats were trying not to win games. I just thought they weren't any good at it. RJ Vasilak is a font of knowledge. A cool stream of information to slake my parched brain as it jogs shoulder-to-shoulder with another brain--in ignominy.

As the mighty have fallen, however, they've found their bats.; I would petition Madam Vasilak for more clarity here. Did the mighty find their bats in mid-air while the fall was taking place? Or were the bats to be found on the ground after said fall? No es claro que si.

[Eckstein] stroked 11 hits in 22 at-bats: He also stroked his gentleman 14 times in just 8 hotel appearances. That's an impressive Road MARP3 of 41.6. Among the many failures this season, LaRussa can look at his decision to move Eckstein to his own room as a productive piece of managing.

Not to beat a dead horse...: Don't worry, kids, he doesn't. He just talks shit about Scott Rolen.