Sex in the Juice Box bathroom

by JD Arney on May 23, 2006 6:11 AM EDT in News

I'm putting together my daily links, but this deserves a post of its own:

A fan claims he walked in on one man and two women having sex in a unisex bathroom at Minute Maid Park.
A baseball fan told 11 News that Lt. Jeffrey Olesen, an off-duty Houston police lieutenant was in a unisex bathroom, having sex with 2 women.
The fan, with a young child, apparently walked in on things and spotted the lieutenant's firearm on the counter. Fearing the women were being attacked, he called for help.
It turns out, sources said, the women were the lieutenant's wife and his wife's female friend.
We have also learned that the 14-year veteran has four sustained IAD complaints for misconduct, improper police procedure and behavior issues.

Oh, the mind boggles. I don't even know where to begin.

Stadium bathrooms are strange places. I just read this over in Bill Simmons' column yesterday:

Q: Went to the Yankees home opener and was using one of the urinals in the men's bathroom. Two stalls over, a guy had his daughter in one of those baby papoose things around his neck. The guy between us strikes up a conversation with the dad. "So how old is she? Is this her first baseball game? Is this her first Yankees game?" Then he says, while talking stupid baby talk, "I bet this won't be the only time you go to a Yankees game." Just then, another guy walks behind us and says, "I bet this also won't be the only time she's in the men's room," and keeps on walking past. Welcome to Yankee Stadium.
--J. Coyle, Morristown, N.J.

Simmons goes on to tell a story about a time he and his buddy walked into a bathroom and saw a couple of pairs of feet under a stall door. They waited around to see how cute the girl was, and were predictably scarred for life.

My best stadium bathroom story is pretty weak compared to a police offer initiated stall threesome, but I'll tell it anyway. Detroit, at the old Silverdome. Bengals game. Corey Dillon breaks a 90+ yard run on the first play from scrimmage, and the Bengals end up with one of their three or four wins for the year. I go into a bathroom at some point in the fourth quarter, and let me just preface by saying that the Silverdome bathrooms were like dungeons. Small, dark, cramped, etc. So I walk in, wearing a Peter Warrick Bengals jersey (P-Dub!) and this absolutely enormous guy who's waiting in line for a urinal starts screaming that he should kick my ass, and fuck Cincinnati this and that, and also fuck Ohio State. Very clever guy. The guy was incredibly drunk, and in the middle of screaming at me he gets a funny look on his face and promptly throws up all over the guy standing in front of him in line. I went ahead and took that as my cue to leave.

Anybody else have any stadium bathroom stories?

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Bathroom Story

A few years ago my buddies and I went down to the Kentucky Derby to hang out in the infield. If you've never been to the Derby, it's not exactly like it looks on TV. While the Grandstands are full of the royalty and pagentry of Julius Ceaser, the infield is more like Caligula. Lots of drinking, fighting, and topless women. There is also a serious lack of restroom facilities.

Midway through the afternoon, women started using the men's room because the line was too long for the women's restroom. While I was standing in line for one of the urinals, a drunk guy who was taking a leak yelled to one of the women to "show us your tits!" To which she responded, "Kiss my ass." Well, she should have known not to yell that at a drunk redneck who was mid-stream. He turned and let loose on her with the remainder of his bladder in what would have been the grossest thing I saw all day if not for all of the vomitting. She lunged at him, punched him and then stormed out of the restroom, probably questioning why she had that last mint julip that made her have to pee so much. Needless to say, it was not what I expected to see at the "Run for the Roses."

by Slyde on May 23, 2006 9:10 AM EDT reply actions

If anyone doesn't read Simmons regularly

they should. He usually has new articles every Wednesday and Friday on ESPN's page 2. Probably the most entertaining sports writer I have ever read.

by DisplacedFan on May 23, 2006 10:32 AM EDT reply actions

I love Simmons but...

I can't read him until after the NBA season has ended, because he goes on and on and on (and on) about basketball, which I find about as exciting as watching grass grow. Maybe less.

"I'd walk through hell in a gasoline suit to play baseball" - Pete Rose

by Officer Dibble on May 23, 2006 11:56 PM EDT up reply actions