FanPost

Alternative Facts with the Seattle Mariners

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Hello, internet user Coop® here. I have been tasked with writing a preview for the 2017 Seattle Mariners. You might know the Mariners as the team that traded Ken Griffey Jr. to the Reds, or from Edgar Martinez doing DH things. But, there are many interesting (alternative) facts you may not know about the Mariners and Seattle in general. Well, crack open a beer and sit back and enjoy as I guide you through a brief history of Seattle and preview what looks to be a decent 2017 for the Mariners.

Brief History of Seattle

Seattle circa 1950

Seattle circa 1950

Seattle first began as a Viking trading post in the early 1200s. Vikings would trade with the native Mayans for their beaver pelts. The Vikings loved beaver. Gradually, Seattle became an important western Canadian financial center. When the value of maple syrup began to rise, Seattle became the pancake capital of the world. It was acquired by the United States in the infamous Newfoundland trade of 1876. I think the USA won that trade if you ask me.

Today, Seattle has a lot of rain.

Famous Seattletonianites

Seattle is the home to many famous American bands such as Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, U2 and Ludacris.

Nirvana

Nirvana front man Dane Grolle

Seattle also is home to the Supersonics, Seahawks, and Sounders. Also, Bill Gates. He's the computer nerd.

But enough about the city, you came here to read about the Mariners.

2017 Key Additions

The Mariners were very busy in the off-season, making a buttload of trades to help improve on the 86-76 2016 team that finished second in the American League West. Some of the key players they brought in include: Juan Segura, Jarrod Dyson, Zack Cozart, Carlos Ruiz, Danny Valencia, Drew Smyly, and Yovani Gallardo.

Key Loses

Adam Lind, Seth Smith, Nori Aoki, Ketel Marte, Taijuan Walker

Lineup

I'll preview one player per position. These may or may not be who the starters are, but hey....

Catcher: Carlos Ruiz

Anagram: Roil us, Czar

Famous people born on the same day: Francis Bacon

Interesting fact: Has a parrot that can sing all the lyrics to Holy Diver.

Google Image search:

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Carlos Ruiz was a longtime member of the Phillies who was traded to the Dodgers last year. He has a career OPS+ of 100, and a decent career 22 WAR. He's likely not going to be the full time starter, but he's got that veterany stuff that people crave.

First Base: Danny Valencia

Anagram: Candy Anal Vein

Famous people born on the same day: Jimmy Fallon, Mama Cass

Interesting fact: Dad is a pharmacist who supplies antibiotics to the Nasty Hook

Google Image search:

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Danny Valencia came over from the A's with his career 105 OPS+, but with a rather poopy career 5 WAR in 7 seasons with 6 different teams.

Second Base: Robinson Cano

Anagram: Son In A Bronco

Famous people born on the same day: Jeff Goldblum, Curly Howard

Interesting fact: Was once involved in a seance that ended when the demonic spirit of Pol Pot set the cabin they were in on fire.

Google Image search:

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Robinson Cano is a debonair superstar what with his career 127 OPS+ and eye popping 62.4 WAR in 12 seasons.

Third Base: Kyle Seager

Anagram: Slayer Geek \m/

Famous people born on the same day: Dolph Lundgren, Dennis Miller

Interesting fact: Was once disqualified from a Magic the Gathering tournament for not being a virgin.

Google Image search:

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Kyle Seager has developed into perhaps the Mariners best player overall. He had a nice 69 walks in 2016 to go along with a career 119 OPS+ and impressive 24.3 WAR in 5+ seasons.

Short Stop: Jean Segura

Anagram: June Sea Rag

Famous people born on the same day: Bobby Jones, Nat King Cole

Interesting fact: Finished 3rd in the 2013 Milwaukee Cock Ring Toss.

Google Image search:

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Jean Segura was once a young all star with the Brewers before really breaking out in 2016 with the Diamondbacks with a 124 OPS+. His 2016 WAR of 5.7 was more than the rest of his career combined.

Left Field: Jarrod Dyson

Anagram: Darn Joy Rods

Famous people born on the same day: Napoleon, Ben Affleck

Interesting fact: His nickname in high schools was Pussy Popper, Esq.

Google Image search:

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Jarrod Dyson is fast. Like, really fast. Almost Billy Hamilton fast. He has a limp dick career 85 OPS+, but a decent 12.8 career WAR given his playing time.

Center Field: Leonys Martin

Anagram: Mrs Tony Alien

Famous people born on the same day: Michelangelo, Shaq

Interesting fact: His dad was once cucked by Conway Twitty on a tour of Cuba in 1989.

Google Image search:

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Leonys Martin seems like a nice guy, but he's not very good.

Right Field: Mitch Haniger

Anagram: Rim Each Night

Famous people born on the same day: Eddie Vedder (FAMOUS SEATTLETONIANITE WHO LIVES IN CHICAGO)

Interesting fact: Won his high school's talent contest with a spoken word version of Baby Got Back.

Google Image search:

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Mitch Haniger was a first round pick by the Brewers in 2012. He got a cup of coffee with the Diamondbacks last year, but he did OPS .999 in the minors last year.

DH: Nelson Cruz

Anagram: No Zen Curls

Famous people born on the same day: Princess Diana, Pam Anderson

Interesting fact: Bought a horse named Prickly Pete.

Google Image search:

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Nelson Cruz likes to honk wangers. He's good at it. He's hit 40+ Full Nelsons (term coined, must credit Coop) each of the past 3 seasons, to go along with OPS+ 137, 159, and 147 in those seasons. He's good.

Random Pitcher: Former University of Kentucky Wildcat James Paxton

Anagram: Jam To Pan Sex

Famous people born on the same day: James Naismith (It was meant to be)

Interesting fact: He's awesome because he went to UK

Google Image search:

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James Paxton was a fourth round pick out of the University of Kentucky. He's also from Canada, like Joey Votto.

Notable Others:

Felix Hernandez is still good.

2017 Prediction: 92-70

Seattle pulled a bizarro world Walt Jockety and made numerous moves in the off-season to improve the team. They will compete for the AL West, and I think they make the playoffs.