BREAKING: Corky Miller to Be Honored for Awesomeness

This resulted in a 9 run homer. - USA TODAY Sports

Be in Louisville on Friday, April 25th, or be forever doomed to mediocre masculinity.

This just popped up across the interwires...wires...interwebwires...Twitter, and so far in my lifetime I'm not sure there's been a story more worthy of its own post than this.

On this Friday, April 25th, the Louisville Bats will honor Corky Miller, his mustache, and their combined Voltron powers with a T-shirt giveaway, and I implore each and every one of you within three galaxies to get off your butts, get on your horses, and get to Louisville Slugger Field to grab one.  Apparently, if you're one of the first 1,500 lucky folks to pass through the gates, you get a Fear the Stache shirt that comes olfactory-twinged of Brut and has magic hormonal powers embedded within.

Frankly, I'm worried about the consequences of such a giveaway.  I mean, there are going to be 1,500 people in the Ohio River Valley (and beyond) that will suddenly come into possession of superpowers the likes of which the Central United States will have no way of handling.  Bars will close due to a sudden overwillingness to give away every drink they have for free...9 months from now, hospitals will be overrun with a rash of babies due to be born...T-bone steaks will be in such short supply that the entire state of Texas will turn into a madhouse free-for-all...

Do you really want that kind of chaos and power in the hands of someone other than yourself?  Can you imagine if Joe from across the street and his immaculately constructed back deck gets a hold on this shirt and you don't?  All those BBQ's you thought YOU would get to host this Summer will suddenly be in his backyard.  I shudder just thinking about it.

For the good of you, the good of your family, and the good of mankind, make your way to Louisville on Friday.  Bring your five year old son, too, and when he gets his shirt for being there early, explain to him the responsibilities that will be waiting for him when he grows into that shirt in 12 years...because that, folks, is something we should all be lucky enough to look forward to.

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