Big news out of Milwaukee's training camp is that Hank the Dog will stay with the team once they move north and east, seeing how he is a stray dog and leaving him in Arizona would be kind of uncool. Still though, it's a nice PR move for a team that has probably the least-likable current star and a pitching staff that only Don Gullett could be proud of.
A dog in the dugout is a cheap sop to the masses and might get the halfway fans excited to see a puppy on the field. But the Reds can do it much better. The Reds should get a cat in Cincinnati Red. Why? Well...
THE REDS HAVE ALREADY HAD A CLUBHOUSE DOG
Have you ever tried to clean dog poop out of astroturf? Did you know that was Lenny Harris' job in the first 5 innings of all games from 1994-1998?
IT IS IMPORTANT TO MAKE LATOS COMFORTABLE
Mat Latos had the best two-year run since Aaron Harang's 2006-2007 seasons, but Latos is just entering his age-26 season (this is the same age Harang was when he was traded alongside Joe "Murder Eyes/Murder Beard" Valentine). Star pitchers often have weird clauses in their contracts allowing them to fly in private planes or have a tractor or something. Give Latos his dang kitty.
BASEBALL IS A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT. CATS ARE BUILT FOR MARATHONS
You can't go chasing every chew toy and barking at every passer-by in the 162-game baseball season. What's Hank going to do on the first Monday after Sunday Night Baseball on a road trip? There's no beanbag doggiebed at second-base, people.
Cats, on the other hand, are always conserving energy. A little sleeping, but always a little alert, a cat can be ready to fight even if it was eyes-closed rolled-up on top of your cardigan a minute previous.
Put it this way: is this photo a .gif or a .jpg? You don't know just by looking, do you?
IF WE'RE STUCK WITH SKIP, MIGHT AS WELL KEEP HIM AWAY FROM SQUIRRELS
Skip Schumaker, recent transaction and general "uncle who never brings anything to Thanksgiving, complains about everyone's cooking, and we're going to dad's family next year so he's not invited" of Reds baseball. He's family, we're stuck with him.
I have a cousin who professionally gives high-end tours of Italy. It sounds like a great job, but he says that it's tough sometimes to deal with the types of people who do high-end tours and are the rich, buffoonish types who expect everyone to love them. Every time, there's one guy everyone else hates. My cousin has to professionally be this dude's friend and keep his attention so that everyone else can enjoy themselves.
We all know that Schumaker hates squirrels.
Cats hate squirrels too. Cat can become Skip's best friend, and Skip can bother the cat, talking about the Cardinal way and taking Puig's spot in the batting order and stuff. If we're really lucky, cat can get some waste matter into Skip's eye, putting him on the DL.
MISTER REDLEGS IS HUNGRY
...and a cat will distract him from Billy Hamilton enough for the quickster to escape
THE DUSTY BAKER REGIME IS OVER
No cat ever got Bryan Price no pheasant...and that's okay. What would a cat do to something like...this?
THIS IS THE INTERNET.
HOW COULD YOU SAY "NO" TO A FACE LIKE THIS?