Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 2/16/14: Lazy, Injured, and Dumb

Yep. Look completely out of shape to me. - Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Covering what other writers are too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.

Hipster Free Zone

Not since the Marge Schott-era have the Reds enforced a facial hair policy that requires Mr. Redlegs to lather-up on a weekly basis. However, that has all changed now that there’s a new manager in town. Bryan Price, in hopes to get "professionalism " to appear in his Google Search Results alongside "accountability" and "pitcher whisperer," has put the kibosh on unkempt beards and facial hair grown throughout the season. Price went so far as to say that he did not want any of his players to look like they should be appearing on Duck Dynasty. We just wish that 700 WLW take the same advice and remove all phone callers that sound like they should be appearing on Duck Dynasty.

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Chippy About Chappy

Just as soon as we thought the well was dry, we here at RIWIAW go back to refresh ourselves in the cool pool of Paul Daugherty’s analysis of anecdotal evidence from third parties. This week, someone tipped off the P-Doc that Aroldis Chapman has spent his offseason chillaxxing in his mansion recreating selected scenes from Jimmy Buffet songs while saying on the record that he’s not a fan of watching baseball on television (frankly, after listening to Joe Buck, we often come to the same conclusion). This prompted a scolding from Paul Daugherty asserting that Chapman simply refuses to do what the team actually needs. Daugherty compares Chapman to Joey Votto in this regard, conveniently bypassing his previous scoldings of Joey Votto for getting on base in lieu of trying to drive in runs. We would pile on more about this non-issue (seriously even Jamie Ramsey decided to say "RIDIC, BRAH") , but we here at RIWIAW are just proud of Paul Daugherty for needlessly ripping on another player without mentioning Adam Dunn. Congratulations!

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Jeter? We Hardly Knew Her!

Okay, so you know how when Ohio State or Kentucky has a big game and the loudest reaction isn’t from their fanbase or even their rivals, but rather comes from a bunch of folks that hate the school without having any formal ties whatsoever to them? That is basically what 2014 is going to be like for baseball fans during Derek Jeter’s farewell tour (Just without the bitterness some of these folks had from being waitlisted). We all get the fact that Derek Jeter would not have been so popular or beloved if he played for a team outside of the AL East, but we here at RIWIAW would like to think that a strong majority of baseball fans understand why Yankees fans feel he’s one of the greatest ever. It’s the same reason why Kansas City fans feel Billy Butler is an MVP candidate. He may not be the greatest, but he’s the best their team has recently had to offer. So yeah, let the hate flow through Boston and Baltimore fans, but let’s save our hatred for people who deserve it like Yadier Molina.

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Comment of the Week

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Vottomatic for the People

We here at RIWIAW often appear bitter, jaded, and sometimes just plain cynical. But oftentimes, that’s with good reason, as indicated by the links we provide. However, we must take time to proclaim the virtues of the much-unfairly-maligned Lance McCalister for his recent interview series with Joey Votto. Seriously, if you have some time to listen to it, it’s some absolutely fantastic stuff. Lance doesn’t shy away from asking questions that allow Votto to provide insightful answers that are not targeted to the lowest common denominator of the listening audience (in other words, it doesn't sound like radio!). If this interview series was video recorded and on Netflix Instant, I probably would wait until July to begin watching the second season of House of Cards (which is mildly overrated).

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Offseason from Hades

Remember two weeks ago when we all coated ourselves in hyperbole by saying this was the worst offseason ever for the Cincinnati Reds? Well, it got worse this week when Mat Latos slipped and partially tore is meniscus while throwing in Arizona. Mat is scheduled to make a fully and speedy recovery and has already been reported as walking without a limp (much to our Juvenile-knowing chagrin). We have full confidence in Latos, but we here at RIWIAW are dangerously low on our cuticles after receiving another Google Alert for "Reds" "Pitcher" "Injury" "OMG POLKING STICK."

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Our Own Five Dumb Predictions

Since everyone under the sun is doing their five predictions for the 2014 season, the staff here at RIWIAW have decided to join in on the fun. For some actually coherent ones, check out KMIB’s and BBB’s predictions, respectively. Now, without further ado, here are five things that we absolutely guarantee will happen during the next season:

1. A Reds player will quit Twitter after harassment from an extremely dumb group of fans.

2. Walt Jocketty will now be blamed for all woes associated with the team now that Dusty Baker and Brook Jacoby are gone.

3. The disgruntled fans’ honeymoon with Bryan Price will last exactly one month.

4. Joey Votto’s 2014 will more closely mirror 2010 than 2012 or 2013.

5. Jay Bruce will cure world hunger, hit 50 home runs, and still will be criticized by the Brennaman Youth for not "putting everything together."

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