Okay, so I know we are all still a little upset about how this past season went. We all had high hopes that the Reds could make another run to the post-season, but then bad things happened instead. It was a real drag, but fortunately, MLB doesn't summarily execute losing teams (anymore). They get a chance to try again next season.
Problem is, it has been literally YEARS since the Reds paid any attention to me and implemented any of my ideas. Abraham Lincoln once said, "You will know who the true genius is when the Confederacy calls him a dunce." And that's what started the Civil War. The Reds (apparently) think I'm the dunce, so that makes me the genius.
I don't know where slavery fits into all this, though. Probably something about Marge Schott.
Anyway, I have some big plans for how the Reds can win next season, and even if the Reds won't listen, you should. You don't want to be a racist, do you?
To start off, it is important that we identify the major areas where the Reds need to improve. In my expert opinion, that's hitting, the outfield, health, baserunning, and the bullpen. I know that looks like a lot, but that's really only because you aren't as smart as me. So listen up.
Reds trade JJ Hoover for Mike Trout
That solves the problem of hitting (Trout is one of the best hitters in the game), the outfield (Trout plays outfield), health (Trout has never been hurt), baserunning (21 steals in '14), and the bullpen (no Hoover). See how easy that was?
I gotta say, I really HATE being this smart. I really, really do. You cannot imagine how hard it is trying to talk to pukes like you guys all day long when you are as smart as I am. It's like trying to talk to stupid animals about baseball. You stupid animals.
Of course, this isn't a perfect fix. There are still a few minor issues to address. Like, how are the Reds going to pay Trout all the money he is owed? He is owed something like $150 mil until 2020, and as we all know, the Reds aren't made of money. Also, there are still some question marks about the health of Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, Mat Latos, Homer Bailey, and so on. As healthy as Trout is, it's not like his veteran leadership can fix Joey Votto's knee.
OR CAN IT
Reds harvest Mike Trout for parts
I know what you idiots were thinking. We could just get Mike Trout and all our problems would be solved. I bet the worst part of being an idiot like you is that you are too dumb to know how dumb you are.
No, I don't think the Reds should get Mike Trout for him to play left field. I think they should get Mike Trout so they can harvest his supple sinews and viscera to heal our currently ailing players. A new, healthy knee ligament for Jay Bruce, a new quad for Joey Votto, some new, healthy arm parts for the pitchers, and so on and so on. Think about it: instead of having one great ballplayer like Trout, the Reds can divvy up his greatness among current existing ballplayers to form an entire team of super-great kinda-Frankenstein ballplayers. 'Tis the season, assholes.
I know that would kinda suck for Trout, as his career would most likely be cut short, or at least greatly diminished. But you have to crack a few eggs for this rodeo.
So there you have it. Obviously, the Reds WON'T do this. They never pay attention to my ideas. But at least when it doesn't happen and the Reds don't win every game next season, I get to sit back and say I told you so. It's basically the only upside of this kind of staggering intellect.