This wouldn't happen in a just world

Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

I'm starting to question my most deeply-held beliefs. But these jalapenos dipper bites are dynamite.

My power was shut off yesterday. Apparently they only give you a three month grace period now. Jerks. As a result, I tried to find one of those appliance stores with all the color TVs in the window so I could watch last night's nationally-broadcast ballgame. You know, the ones that frightened, earnest-looking citizens crowd around during times or crisis?

Not only did I find out that place is now some kind of abandoned molding drywall store, but that CBS no longer has the rights to the Game of the Week. I hope Pee Pee Reese has found employment elsewhere.

In any case, I was forced to watch the game at a P.J. Partypantz out by where that old Swallen's used to be. I took my notebook along. Although it was very hard to hear the commentary from Sportschannel's talented team of broadcasters - which included former Reds' fireballer Bob Boone - I thought I'd share my notes and observations on the game so that you can help me decipher them and find one good reason why the world hasn't been hurtling steadily downhill since President Otis Nixon resigned.

1st INNING:

Decided to start myself off with a round of "Shricken Chew-em-ups." Waitress tells me it's chicken in the shape of shrimp. That's kind of what my refrigerator smells like, so OK. I just wish Ginsu Choo would swing the bat. He might pick up a sack fly once in a while.

Matt Hollywood looks like he's trying to chop the ball in half with a battle ax. Not going to hit the ball very far that way.

2nd INNING:

Leadoff single by Jay Bruce. NOTE: Come back to this, find something wrong with. Great, great inning, aside from Jonny Votto finding new ways to avoid using bat. Two triples! If that doesn't get Cozart back to top of order.... Of course, Frasier tripled also. Dilemma there. But his triple was very derivative of Cozart. Uninspired.

4 run lead and the pitching to hold it!

3rd INNING:

Was in bathroom entire inning. Something to be said for going to the bathroom. I'm going to try the Kiwi Maddog Grill Kabobbers this time. That should set things right.

4th INNING:

Something still not sitting well. Maybe because forgot to be drinking.

5th INNING:

Yelled at for my comment about Coalton Wong. Whos side are they on? Remember to leave without paying.

6th INNING

THAT ZACK COZART CAN SOCK IT. Hear a lot about the SABOR stats like ERA, CARP, WIPE and TWTW. Give me doubles and triples. Scratch that, he DID give me doubles and triples. Anyone can single and HRs = rally-killing PED proof.

Had a triple myself. Feelin' just alright.

7th INNING:

NOTE: NEED to get tolerance back down, this is getting expensive. Definately[sic] pull "wallet in car move' if caught slipping out.

Interesting leaving Leake in. In my book (How to shut up so I can explain baseball, Gorted Books), starters should go FULL NINE. But Leake probably learned how to pitch on Facebook, is both namby and pamby. I'm sure Dustin will pull him at the first sign of trouble.

[EDITOR's NOTE: barely readable, looks like a celtic rune, could be nothing]

IS THERE ANY ODER[sic]  TO UNIVERSE?

[Editor's note: The rest is largely unpublishable, partly due to intense profanity and cryptic diagrams that suggest a mind sick with potentially criminal derangement. And partly because there was brackish tartar sauce spilled over most of the page].

***

Fred Regorter is publisher-emeritus of Red Reporter and co-founder of the print edition of the Redleg Herald-Reporter. He also claims a disputed, non-controlling share of Red Reporter Weblog and French Chew Concern, Inc. You can reach him by mail at P.O. Box [redacted] c/o Van Lunens, East Cincinnati, OH 45218

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