SINKHOLE SWALLOWS GABP, GAME POSTPONED

Poor GABP. I'd just started to like the place, too. - Joe Robbins

In an unfortunate series of events, the red-hot Reds were unable to play the reeling Cardinals tonight in what would have surely been an easy victory.

Valid news reports are still few and far between at this point, but it appears that the Earth just decided to open up and swallow what had formerly been Great American Ball Park in Cincinnati, though it miraculously appears that there have been no fatalities or, somehow, any reports of missing persons. It's been tough to pinpoint exactly when this catastrophe occurred since most of the phone towers and cable lines were wiped out by the massive Ohio River flooding that came about following the freak Great Lakes induced hurricane that passed through late this afternoon.

It was a mess, guys. There have been a few pictures posted on Twitter of Curtis Partch paddling a rowboat with a soaked, shivering Bronson Arroyo in the back. There was also an early report from John Fay (who fortunately heeded the early weather warnings and headed for high ground in the PNC Tower) that the storm had a surge so large, it had actually brought salt water and marine species down the Ohio River, and a second life boat with Joey Votto, Brandon Phillips, Jay Bruce, Devin Mesoraco, and Derrick Robinson was seen pulling nets full of flounder out as they struggled to find land to which they could escape.

Never fear, folks. Dusty Baker, a huge fan of Man vs. Wild, is reportedly safe and healthy after his quick thinking led him to fashion a raft made of Australian chewing sticks and float to the safe confines of Covington, Kentucky, where a certain famed human-ursus-swine was seen smoking an American Spirit while floating on a huge cooler full of Pliny the Elder bottles.

Corky Miller, not surprisingly, just said "fuck it" and swam a mile to where The Nasty Hook had previously been docked. Seeing it had broken free from its ropes and was drifting aimlessly, he tracked it down, hotwired it, tossed in some Creedence tapes, and proceeded to power down Main Street rescuing anyone he could.

Thankfully, we can all rest easy this evening with the knowledge that no one was harmed and no game ever happened, because had there actually been one, the damage inflicted to the Cincinnati community could've been magnanimous. Always look on the bright side of life, folks.

Had this game actually ever happened, Joey Votto probably would've walked a bunch and hit a homer. Or something. He probably would've earned the JNMHSotG, y'know, if they'd played and all.

Other Notes

  • Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd...smiling.
    • I feel rather empty.
    • None or some or all or none of this may be true or not.
    • Joey Votto RBI salary comment.
    • Sim City was the best, you guys.
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