The non-waiver trade deadline is only two weeks away, and the storm of trade activity is just over the horizon. Wear a hat. This is gonna blow you away.
Like most baseball fans, I think I'm smarter than the guys who are actually in charge. No personal offense to Walt Jocketty, Dusty Baker, et. al. I have plenty of respect for them. I just think I would be better at their jobs than they are. Of course, every fan says that. The only difference is that I actually am that much smarter. Every one else is just too dumb to realize it.
So a few times a year, I offer up my services (gratis, natch) to the Reds and draw up a plan for how they can approach the upcoming trade deadline. Every team can get better, this one included. If they follow my instructions, this team will win like a jillion Worlds Series. Not, like, multiple MLB World Series, but like World Series on multiple worlds. Yeah. Under my plan, this team is going to outer fucking space.
Trade Derrick Robinson, Henry Rodriguez, Johnathan Reynoso, and Amir Garrett for Giancarlo Stanton
I have been calling for the Reds to get Stanton for a long time. I hope the Reds finally take my advice on this one, because this trade is just about perfect. Stanton fills the biggest and most obvious need for the Reds. He's a young, cost-controlled, right-handed bat that can seamlessly slot into left field and the clean-up spot. It's more than perfect. Perfection pukes in envy at the sight of Stanton in the Reds lineup.
The talent the Reds would need to give up here is probably the best part of the deal, though. Robinson can slot into the starting outfield for the Marlins. They love Juan Pierre, as is evidenced by the fact that he's like 45 and is still their starting left fielder. Robinson gives them more of what they love. How can they turn it down? Rodriguez can start at third base for them, where the just-south-of-ripe corpse of Placido Polanco has been decomposing all season. Reynoso is a name I have heard before, so I assume other teams will want him. Garrett is a wild card, and who doesn't love wild cards?
The Marlins said a few days ago that they were unlikely to make any major moves. But you know how the Marlins are. They love to tear the hearts out of their fans. And the only thing they love more than tearing the hearts out of their fans is to tell them they won't do it this time and then go ahead and do it anyway. The Reds should be happy to oblige.
Trade for Glen Perkins or Greg Holland, I don't know, either one is fine
I know nobody knows anything about the Twins or the Royals, so let me educate you a bit. Both of these guys are really good relief pitchers. Like, really good. They both strike a lot of guys out. Perkins is a lefty and Holland is a righty, but none of that really matters to them. They just strike guys out. The Reds should get one of them. Or both. I mean, why not?
The Reds' bullpen has been beset by injuries this season, losing both Sean Marshall and Jonathan Broxton for a long time. The corps has done well in their absences, but I think I'd still rather have Perkins and Holland instead of Parra and Ondrusek. Just imagine an entire bullpen of guys wih closer experience. It's perfect!
These guys are just relief pitchers too, which means they should be gettable for fairly cheap. I mean, Stanton is a young MVP-caliber hitter, and look at what we got him for! I would imagine a few decent prospects would get it done. Maybe something like Donnie Joseph and Juan-Carlos Sulbaran for Holland?
Trade Devin Mesoraco and Nick Travieso for Buster Posey
I didn't think you'd be ready for this one, so I buried it a bit here. This is the big one, the one that will really put this team over the top. And it's also the hardest one for me to swallow.
I really like Devin Mesoraco. I think he has a bright future in baseball. Ditto for Travieso. But Buster Posey is the best catcher in the game, and the Reds could really use him. I hate to trade Mesoraco, but if it's for another catcher who can step right in and upgrade, I think I'm okay with it. I'm also really hesitant to give up a top pitching prospect like Travieso, but I decided to go with him instead of Robert Stephenson. No way I'm trading him. So Travieso gets shipped out instead.
The Giants have won two of the last three World Series, and Posey won the MVP last year. but with the team now eight games under .500 and in fourth place in the NL West, I bet they are really regretting giving Posey that nine-year extension. This trade would give them an out so they can free up that money to do some rebuilding. I mean, they had a good run, but they are eight games out in the middle of July. It's clearly over for them.
But for the Reds, this thang is just starting. And Posey can be the guy to really kick it into high gear.
Trade for all of the Dodgers
Last I checked, the Dodgers were falling apart and everyone was laughing at them because they spent like a jillion dollars on a bunch of players and then it never worked and now Don Mattingly is going to get fired any day now. And just as the Reds should take advantage of the Marlins, I think they should also take advantage of the Dodgers. We could (finally) get Hanley Ramirez to play shortstop or even third base, depending on if they want Zack Cozart or Todd Frazier in return. Hanley is versatile like that! But I'd rather give up Cozart because Frazier is so cool. With all the trouble they are in, I doubt they will want to pay Clayton Kershaw that big ol' extension he is due. The Reds could get him for pennies on the dollar! Maybe something like Jeff Gillooly or whatever his name is and that one guy with the strange ethnic-hyphenated name. Andre Either? Eh, no thanks. Do they still have Adrian Beltre? So maybe not all of the Dodgers, but just two of them.
So yeah, Imagine that. The rotation would look like this:
(Tony Cingrani would be sent back down to AAA and they could do whatever when Cueto comes back)
Manny Parra (Parra can stay until Marshall comes back)
The lineup (hold on to your butts):
Shin-Soo Choo CF
Brandon Phillips 2B
Joey Votto 1B
Giancarlo Stanton LF
Buster Posey C
Jay Bruce RF
Hanley Ramirez SS
Todd Frazier 3B
That lineup would score like a jillion runs. And that pitching staff would give up like zero runs. This team would win the World Series in two games. And it's all so easy, really. You just have to be smart enough to know the right moves and be able to make them.
I know what you are thinking, though. "Hey Scrabbs, duhduhduh what about all the money duhdudhdudhduh?? How can the Reds duhduhduhduhduh afford it?" I know, you ignorant shits. I'm getting to that.
Move the team from Cincinnati to Mars
You thought I was kidding when I said this team was going to outer space. I wonder if you ever get tired of being wrong.
This plan is just so perfect. Being the first team to expand beyond Earth, the Reds would reap untold jillions in tourism and ticket sales. Everyone would want to pay whatever it costs to see baseball on a different planet. The Reds would be the only game in town, so they would have a virtual monopoly on Martian tourism. Plus, I mean, come on. They already call it "The Red Planet." The marketing potential is infinite. You know how they say, "the sky is the limit?" Well, they have small, soft brains and wieners. Think big, win big.
They say you will know a true genius when the dunces are in confederacy against him. So go ahead, dunces. Shout me down. Call me idiotic. You're just proving me right.