The Enemy Speaks: Dirty Jocks

Welcome to this edition of The Enemy Speaks, Recent Crap Edition.

Here are the interesting tidbits gleaned from NOT listening to the Brennemen, but rather to the opposing team's announcers, who often have different, interesting, or mock-able insights, observations, and stories that the Brennemen don't work hard enough to harvest. Because all you need to know is that real hitters neither walk nor swing at the first pitch.

Here they are pictured trying to run out of town Jay Bruce, one of the youngest players on the roster, for being so stupid as to strike out:




One radio announcer recently said, You score that rundown 1-6-6-1-4.

Shin-Shoo Choo was the first Korean-born player to go 20/20 in the majors. Here he is, pictured in disco bobble regalia, between Disco Stu and perhaps the most famous Reds fan:


Disco Stu, Disco Choo, Disco Screw


When the Reds were 1-hit in consecutive games, it was the first time the Reds failed to get at least 2 hits in each of back-to-back games since at least 1900.

Here are some comparison photos of the 1900 Reds vs. later Reds legends enjoying Perrier:





The Nationals broadcasters looked at the Reds' schedule incredulously. The Reds faced the Cards in three separate series IN APRIL. "That's not right."



Corky wears the Golden Groomer Award.

The Nationals verbalizers also liked our dudes' names, calling one lineup an all-name team because it featured a battery of Corky Miller and Tony Cingrani. Then they wondered aloud if Corky the veteran might prefer to call more breaking balls than Golum. Stupid remark, straight out of his ass. Cingrani throws 90+% fastballs, and neither catcher calls the balls and strikes, instead getting signals from the dugout. Wow, that's a paste-eating level of stupid.

When Joey Votto got upset after a strikeout, he went full Canadian in the dugout, and his choice of verbiage was pickup up by the TV microphones. "When he gets mad, people duck. And the words he says are not words you should hear."




What the bloody hell was that?!?

The Reds auctioned off a baseball stained with Jeff Smardoiaujdhflaksrjfbja's blood on it.



While this is pretty epic as far as baseball weirdness goes, there are some far more bizarre, queer, and odd baseball collectibles out there, including Ken Griffey, Jr.'s jock strap from the first game I ever took my son to.



Dirty Jocks

Teams and marketers are also tapping into fan demand by offering items such as ballpark dirt encased in table coasters (sold as a set of four), and champagne bottles and corks from clubhouse celebrations. Steiner Sports claims to have sold $10 million in ballpark dirt over the years. It’s now offering a game-used sock of New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter for $500, with a certificate of authenticity included.

One rising trend: used jock straps. This summer, an eBay customer bought a game-used Alex Rodriguez jock strap for $275, according to the New York Daily News. And other collecting websites have recently featured the game-used genital support of Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett and long-time catcher Ivan Rodriguez, now with the Washington Nationals.

A collector at last year claimed to have bought an athletic supporter supposedly worn by Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez when he played with the Texas Rangers. "Yes, it's weird," the collector admitted, "but for $13, an Ivan Rodriguez game used jock strap seemed like a perfect fit with my Gary Sheffield socks, Luis Castillo socks, & Carlos Guillen shower sandal."



What better conversation piece is there than, say, owning the jockstrap Nolan Ryan wore when he pitched his seventh and final no-hitter? Ryan's jock reportedly went for $25,000.

Here's a picture of Nolan and Pudge sharing a Batman love sammich.




A piece of bubblegum chewed up and spit out by Luis Gonzalez of the Arizona Diamondbacks was recently auctioned off for ten thousand dollars. How twisted is that? Someone wanted to buy a piece of dirty, flavorless bubblegum just because it had been chewed by Luis Gonzalez! Here's a list of some other weird sports-related stuff that people have paid big money for. "It's not like I can sell it again," said Curt Mueller, chief executive officer of Mueller Sports Medicine, maker of Quench Gum. He used it to attract publicity for his business. "Who would want to buy it?"




A used toothpick could be worth $440 – if it's found in the pocket of Tom Seaver's game jacket that he wore while a starting pitcher with the 1969 Miracle Mets.



A stale piece of wedding cake could be worth $715 – if it's left over from DiMaggio's first wedding, to actress Dorothy Arnold in 1939.



The Diamondbacks' Gonzalez, whose mouth produced one of the most expensive used items ever -- chewing gum -- now cuts his underwear, socks and sliding shorts into pieces before he puts them in the trash can. And Roger Clemens has been known to cut his number out of any used equipment.



Ty's Teeth
In 2000, a woman paid nearly $8,000 for a pair of false teeth worn by baseball legend, Ty Cobb. The woman is the daughter of a dentist and apparently shares her father's interest in teeth.


Tim's Trimmings
The shavings of Oakland A's pitcher, Tim Hudson, were sold at a sports auction in 2002 for $75. Dirt from his cleets was sold for $50.
Captain's Captains License
New York Yankees fan Richard Tschernia owns Thurman Munson's pilot license. No word on who has Cory Lidle's.


Jeff Nelson's post-surgery elbow bone fragments brought $2,000.
"The mainstream collector would rather buy a nicely framed, signed photo of Marilyn Monroe for $6,000," said Doug Allen of MastroNet, a sports auction house. "But there are collectors who collect these fetish-type things for the shock value of it all."
"Ripley's Believe It Or Not" wanted to display legendary baseball promoter and HOFer Bill Veeck's wooden leg in its museum, but Bob Colleary had another idea on how to pay tribute to Veeck, the marketing genuis turned baseball team owner.

Colleary, a television writer, paid $8,500 to outbid Ripley's in an auction for Veeck's wooden leg, then made it the centerpiece for a fantasy baseball league called, appropriately enough, "Bill Veeck's Leg."

When it isn't leaning against the wall in Colleary's living room, it is used to draw lots to determine the order of each year's draft. Come season's end, Colleary said, the winner is given the trophy to show off to friends and family, a la a Stanley Cup champion.

"Bill Veeck was a legend," Colleary said. "But this isn't sacrilegious or ghoulish because he was sort of in on the joke."

Veeck's right leg was amputated in November 1946 after it was injured while he was in the Marines.

Attached to the leg, Colleary said, is a note from Veeck that talks about how much mileage he got out of the piece of wood.

In the showmanship spirit of Veeck, Colleary and his buddies lugged the trophy with them to Las Vegas , where they held their draft.

"Even in Las Vegas, people just aren't use to seeing someone carrying a wooden leg," Colleary said.

-- Darren Rovell

Even a letter to a player could be worth $18,400 – if it's a death threat written to Mickey Mantle, circa 1953.

Of course the more salacious the letter, the more it's worth. A handwritten note from Babe Ruth to his mistress, penned on hotel stationery in 1922, sold for $75,000.

Willie Mays Full Frontal Nude - Say HEY! This offering supposedly came (huhuhu huhuhuh) with the negative and the rights to the photo. You can buy it now for the low, low price of $25K. That's a lot of money to see a dude's schlong.


What notable players have the Reds signed to camp, but never made the team? The list might surprise you. And not in that "my finger just broke through both plies of this toilet tissue" kinda way, but in a "Huh. Didn't know that one. I knew that one. Oh, yeah...him. Never heard of that dude." kinda way. Here are a few.

Miguel Olivo - 2013

Dustin Hermanson - 2007

Tuffy Rhodes - 2006

Trever Miller - 2002

Mike Greenwell - 2001

Jack Morris - 1994

Al Newman - 1992

Angel Salazar - 1988

Odd photos found while making this post:





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