Red Reporter Exclusive Press Conference with Big Deal Author Joel Luckhaupt

Joern Pollex

The following is an excerpt from a recent press conference that Red Reporter was lucky enough to attend. It features Joel Luckhaupt, who used to work here under the assumed name "Slyde".

Sofa King's Press Officer: Settle down, settle down. Mr. Luckhaupt will be taking questions today about his new book, 100 Things Reds Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die. He will not be taking questions about anything else. Let's begin.

BK: What is your book about?

Joel: The book is mostly a history book about many of the greatest players, people, and events in Reds history, but there are also about 20 or so things that Reds fans should do. Each item is its own chapter, about 700-1000 words long, so it will be great for people like Heeringa to use during business hours. Most of the items are overviews that touch on the key points of the topic, sort of like an encyclopedia of Reds history.

BK: Has anyone accomplished all 100 things? Will I be the first?

Joel: Well, one lady tried to "accomplish" them all, but she died while she was working on Marge Schott. That's where the inspiration for the book came from.

FordhamRam: How come "watch Carlos Marmol blow a save" didn't make your list?

Joel: I wanted the list of things to do to be special, not the run-of-the-mill stuff that happens every time the Cubs come to town. Besides, haven't Marmol's blown saves kinda become blasé? I mean, I guess I feel like Marmol's blown saves were cooler before everybody else knew about them.

Kevin Mitchell is Batman: Why do you spell "slide" wrong? You screw it up like Joey Votto's knee.

Joel: I feal know nead to bee confyned buy the englush langage. You nead two freee yore mynd.

(Ed. note: We may need Yossi to translate this.)

UncleWeez: What is your favorite euphemism for a home run?

Joel: Dinger or dong. (also would accept donger, but not ding)

FordhamRam: Other than hitting coach, what is the most important job in a professional baseball organization?

Joel: Statistician. Duh. Who else is gonna make all the spreadsheets?

AC Slider Newd Guy: Why is batting average the best way to analyze hitters?

Joel: Because it's not called walk ball or homer ball, it's called base ball. Or at least it was until those stupid kids removed the space. Assholes.

DashManBearPig: Do you think Scott Hatteberg is a good baseball player?

Joel: I do, but Rick Stowe should be playing first base.

Cy Schourek: Do you think Scott Hoberg is a good baseball player?

Joel: No, I'm not wearing a shirt.

UncleWeez: What is your favorite insult for Chris Carpenter?

Joel: I respect Chris Carpenter and I think he's one helluva pitcher. You could argue that he's the best big game pitcher of our generation and he probably deserved one or two more Cy Young Awards. It's unfortunate that so many in Redsland can't see what an outstanding pitcher he is and have to resort name calling with him. But, I guess that will just make him stronger. I mean, hey, Jesus was a Carpenter.

Just kidding, I like to call him Cries Cuntpunter.

New Guy: Why is a closer so much more valuable than an ace?

Joel: Well a closer pitches every fourth day and an ace pitches every fifth day. You do the math.

RijoSabes: What's the most times you've been mentioned on an FSO broadcast?

Joel: What do you mean? I thought every episode was about me.

RijoSabes: Since we drink every time you're mentioned, do you feel guilty about that?

Joel: Some people on here drink every time they blink, so no. Y'all are a bunch of drunken degenerates. Except crolfer. He's still too young, right?

(Ed. note: Nope!)

FordhamRam: When was the last time you left your seat at a Reds game?

Joel: I don't leave my seat at the game. The ticket doesn't list the concession stand or the bathroom on it. It lists my seat number and I intended to honor that contract.

Charlie Scrabbles: What was it like to get back to working on Arrested Development after so much time away?

Tony Hale: Oh, I get it, because you think I look like Buster Bluth. Clever.

Cy Schourek: Is Mark Ellis the missing piece for the 2013 Reds?

Joel: I don't know why anybody would be against signing Ellis and moving Brandon Phillips to shortstop. Also, I'm surprised anybody ever asks my opinion on anything baseball related since I once suggested that the Reds should sign Juan Pierre, Julio Lugo, and Dave Roberts.

BK: Anything else you'd like to add?

Joel: The only way that you can feel like there is hope for you in this world after devoting countless hours to this website is if I am highly successful. So, please buy several copies of my book and stockpile them. There's always a chance that they could be used for currency once the US Dollar goes in the shitter.

Red Reporter would like to thank Joel Luckhaupt this press conference, and encourages everyone (even you) to buy his book. I even linked it for you so you don't have to type it into Google.

Look for more content on this book on Red Reporter soon.

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