South Park - Theme Song (via Fellipe T.G)
Randy Marsh stands next to his car smiling and flailing his arms.
Randy: Hurry up boys! Hurry!!!
Randy jumps into the car, cranks the ignition and starts honking the horn incessantly.
HONK! HONK! HONK! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNKKK!!!!!
Randy: Come on boys, I want to be there for the first pitch! Jhoulys Chacin is pitching!! JHOULYS CHACIN!!!
In the doorway of the Marsh residence, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick and Butters Stotch stand looking at Randy.
Butters: Eww lolly! I sure do love going to Rockies games, don’t you fellas?
Cartman: Shut up, Butters.
Stan: Dad! Do we really have to do this? The game starts at seven tonight and it’s 10:30 in the morning.
Randy: STAN!!! Don’t you appreciate our national pastime? It’s a rite of passage for you boys.
Randy reaches into the back seat and opens up a beer.
Randy: Come on boys, time to hit the road! ROCKIES!!! ROCKIES!! ROCKIES!!!
Stan: Oh, god damnit.
Inside the car, Randy sits in the driver’s seat, drinking a bottle of S'mores Schnapps. Stan is in the passenger seat. Cartman, Kyle, Kenny and Butters sit in the back. Butters and Cartman ride bitch.
Randy: You know boys, the Rockies are going to be soooooooooo good this year. CarGo is coming off a season where he won a Gold Glove AND made the All-Star team.
Stan: Dad, those honors don’t really mean much, I mean they’re not really quantitative in any real …
Randy: STAN! Those are legitimate awards, BUSTER OLNEY TOLD ME SO!!
Kyle: Troy Tulowitzki is actually projected to have a better season than Gonzalez this year. A .374 OBP and 25 homers.
Cartman: Pfffff … whatever dude. Jews don’t know anything about baseball.
Kyle: What did you say fat ass? Sandy Koufax, Lou Boudrea and Hank Greenberg are all Hall of Famers. There have been hundreds of Jews that have made huge contributions to baseball.
Cartman: Yeah, like Ryan Braun. He’s a cheater Kyyyyy!
Kyle: Fuck you, fat fuck!
Randy: Settle down back there boys. Hey Kenny, can you hand me another bottle?
Kenny hands Randy a beer.
Butters: I sure hope Wilin Rosario gets a hit. He, he’s my favorite Rockie!
Cartman: Damnit Butters, no one’s favorite Rockie is Wilin Rosario.
All the boys but Butters laugh.
Cartman: Haha! Yeah, fuck you Butters. You black asshole.
Butters: Oh, fiddlesticks.
The guys arrive at the Coors Field parking lot. Randy is already visibly drunk and beginning to get belligerent.
Randy: HERE WE GO ROCKIES, HERE WE GO!!!
Stan: Dad, it’s one in the afternoon.
Randy: Where’s your team spirit Stan? You boys don’t get the majesty of baseball. The passion. You don’t know what it means to be a real fan. Now you guys stay right here there’s a liquor store around the corner. I’m going to go pick up a sixer since the gates don’t open for another few hours. WOOO!! Go Rox!!
Randy walks off leaving the five boys to their own devices.
Stan: Well we won’t see him for a while. What do you guys want to do?
Kyle: I heard they have some sort of fan zone or something that is open at this time. I guess we could check that out.
Stan: Yeah, I guess.
The boys start crossing the parking lot toward the fan zone when a car comes screaming into the lot. A group of young males pile out of the car. They are all wearing Rockies gear. The driver of the car shouts out to the boys.
Driver of the car: Well what do we have here? Looks like a group of punks that think they’re the Rox’s biggest fans? Huh, is that right punk?
The driver of the car pushes Stan.
Stan: Uh, what?
Driver: I said you guys must think you’re some sort of super fans. Think you know more about the Rockies than me? Huh? I’ve been a fan from the beginning. I have a Dante Bichette signed ball. He’s the Rockies new hitting coach. I bet you didn’t know that, did ya, Mr. Big Fan? You didn’t know that did ya?
Stan: Uh, no dude. My dad just sort of dragged us to this thing. We don’t really want to be here.
Driver: Likely story.
One of the other young males coaxes on their leader.
Young Male: You tell ‘em, Chet!
Chet: Hey kid, can you list the starting rotation.
Stan: No, and I don’t really care. It pretty much sucks anyway.
Stan: OK. Still sucks. None of those guys will have a WHIP lower than 1.43.
Kyle: Look man, we’re just going to keep walking.
Chet: Yeah, you better! We all know who the biggest fans are! US!
Cartman: *under his breath* Biggest fans of donkey rape maybe.
The boys begin to walk off.
Chet: See you next time poseurs!
Cartman: *under his breath* Suck my balls, asshole.
The boys arrive at the fan zone. They busy themselves by hanging out at the fastest pitch station.
Butters: Oh, I sure hope those older boys don’t come looking for us again.
Cartman: Stop being a fag Butters and hold my Mountain Dew. I want to win that stuffed Dinger doll so I can give it to Bebe.
Cartman: Haha! Shut up, Kenny. Like you have any money to play fastest pitch. It’s like five bucks for three balls. What are you going to give them? Foodstamps?
Kyle: Knock it off lard ass. I bet I’m ten times the pitcher you are.
Cartman: Jews can’t pitch Kyyyyyy.
Kyle: Fuck. You.
Stan: Guys, shut up. We need to find my dad before he gets too drunk to take us home.
As the boys are arguing Chet and his crew appear from behind a make-shift batting cage.
Chet: Well look who it is, the SUUUUUUPER FANS.
Stan: Dude, leave us alone. We don’t care.
Chet: You guys know who the Rox new manager is? Huh?
Stan: No dude, we don’t. Because absolutely no one cares about this team. No one.
Chet: Hah! Got you again, it’s former Rockie player Walt Weiss.
Kyle: Look man, we’re all really glad you know so much about this team. But we don’t really care. We don’t. We don’t care that Michael Cuddyer is probably overpaid or that Todd Helton turns 40 this season and is in the last year of his contract or that Dexter Fowler averages like 10 triples a year. And we don’t care that Josh Rutledge is going to be the Rockies face of the future. We don’t. No one does. No one. This team is going to win like 70 games. Seventy-five, tops. This is a bad team that no one cares about. … Except, apparently, you guys.
Chet: You’re damn right we care! We’re SUPER FANS!!!
Cartman: Super lame maybe.
Chet: Oh yeah, kid?
Chet picks up Butters.
Butters: Oh, hamburgers.
A voice booms from behind Chet.
Voice: Put him down!
Randy Marsh stands wobbling. Drunk. Shirtless. Vomit covers his pants.
Randy: You wanna go, punk?
Randy punches Chet in the face. Butters drops to the ground.
Stan: Son of a bitch.
Randy begins wailing on Chet all the while screaming about the glories of the United States and proclaiming inane facts about the 2013 Rockies.
Randy: YEAH, YEAH CHRIS NELSON MAY NOT BE THE BEST INFIELDER IN BASEBALL BUT HE DID STEAL HOME AGAINST THE REDS THAT ONE TIME. WOOOOO FREEDOM!!!
Chet, taking massive blows to the face and groin continues to shout stupid information about the Rox bullpen as his friends and the boys looks on.
Chet: RAFAEL BETANCOURT HAD 31 SAVES LAST YEAR AND NO ONE HAS A CREEPIER THIN-LIPPED SMILE THAN MATT BELISLE, BRO!!
The fight carries itself into the picnic area of the fan zone. Chet and Randy go crashing into a table splattering food and debris everywhere.
Randy: YEAH! YEAH! WE CUT RAMON HERNANDEZ TO MAKE ROOM FOR YORVIT TORREALBA! WHAT ABOUT IT? HUH? WHAT ABOUT IT? THIS IS AMERICA! WE CAN DO WHAT WE WANT!!
Chet: WE SIGNED CHRIS VOLSTAD TO A MINOR LEAGUE DEAL! WE DID THAT! I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT WE FUCKING DID! GO ROX!!
The fight winds its way through the crowd. The two men continue to beat each other in the face, one of Chet’s friends attempts to break it up only to have Randy kick him in the face.
The boys look on from amongst the crowd.
Butters: Well how come, whenever we come to Coors Field your dad gets into a fight, Stan?
Stan: Dude, Butters, I don’t know.
The police arrive and break up the fight. Randy is escorted to the squad car bloody and wearing only his underwear. But he is victorious.
Randy (to the arresting officers): Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. This is America isn’t it? I thought this was America?
Stan and the boys look at the scene. Stan speaks.
Stan: You know, I learned something today. I learned that the Rockies completely blow ass and that fans of this team are complete morons. Why would you root for this team? I mean, look at these people. (Stan points at random fan.) That guys wearing a Tyler Colvin shirtsey.
Kyle: Yeah, this is pretty lame dude. Let’s call our parents and go home.
Cartman: Heh heh. Damn you’re poor Kenny.