An Always Sunny Phillies Preview


Dennis, Charlie, Dee, and Frank are sitting on barstools at the bar.

Dennis: Guys, it's almost Opening Day. Now, I think the Phillies may be the best team… well, ever.
Charlie: I KNOW they're the best team ever, Dennis. I can't wait to see Darren Daulton kick some ass, he's like, my favorite player ever.
Dennis: Charlie, you know that Darren Daulton hasn't played in the major leagues in… at least 15 years, right?
Charlie: Huh?
Dennis: Yes. Darren Daulton went nuts a few years ago, a few DUIs, the occult, it was all over the news…

Mac storms in.


Mac: Guys, guys, guys! I have news.
Dennis, Mac, Dee: …….
Mac: I just heard some guy on the bus ranting about how the Phillies are in spring training trying to figure out who's going to take their last bench spot.
Dennis: I know what you're thinking….
Charlie: WE'RE GOING TO BURN DOWN CITIZEN'S BANK PARK! Wild card, bitches!
Dennis: No, no, no, no, NO!
Mac: We're gonna make the Phillies.


The gang is at a local park.

Frank: What are you idiots doing?
Dennis: We're going to make the Phillies. It's not all that farfetched, we're all excellent baseball players.
Dee: I can't wait to take down all of you bitches.
Mac: What the hell can you do? I've waited all my life to become Chase Utley's backup, now that they have the roster spot I feel like God is putting everything into place for me!
Dee: Ummm… third base! I can play third base!
Dennis: No, I don't think you're better than Michael Young. Or Rollins at short, for that matter. With your long, lanky bird body, I feel like you'd be best suited as a pitcher.
Dee: Well okay, who's my competition there?
Dennis: Papelbon.
Dee: Too big. Next.
Dennis: Chad Durbin, Mike Adams, Phillipe Aumont.
Dee: Too country, too nondescript, too French. Who should my target be, here? I need to take down somebody!
Dennis: I don't know… Antonio Bastardo.
Dee: That bastard. O.


Dennis: Now, Charlie, I think you'd be best suited to be an outfielder because you're quick and you're durable, and baseball teams like that.
Charlie: Yeah! I feel like I can be one of those Milt Thompson types, or even like Von Hayes.
Mac: Von Hayes was AWESOME, dude.
Dennis: Once again, Von Hayes is SO retired. How long has it been since you've been to a Phillies game?
Charlie: Ok, ok, let's see some of the guys on the roster. Ben Reverie?
Dennis: Revere.
Mac: He's loved by many.
Frank: Not "revered", like the Midnight Ride guy. I thought that guy died years ago.
Charlie: Demonic Brown? I don't think the team should be employing demons, dude.
Dennis: "Domonic". We really need to teach you how to read.
Charlie: John Mayberry? Look at this guy, he's huge! I can't take his spot.
Dennis: I've got it. Laynce Nix is trying to make this team, you can take him out.
Charlie: BUT HOW?
Dennis: We're gonna add some extra "y's" into your name! Chyarley! TWO Y'S! You can't lose!
Frank: Ooh ooh! Do me next! Who do I get to be?
Dennis: You can be the catcher. You're infinitely more successful than Humberto Quintero and Erik Kratz combined.
Frank: What about the manager?! I can do that!
Mac: You have to do all the signs and shit, I'm not sure you have the mobility to do that. What about an usher or something?
Frank: Works for me.
Mac: Dude, Dennis, what about you?
Dennis: I will be posing as the potential new owner of the team. That will ensure the maximum amount of chicks flocking to me, as they'd never turn down an invite to the owner's box.
Mac: Are the Phillies looking for a new owner? I think this open spot is for a player only….
Dennis: Doesn't matter. Let's do this.

Dee and Mac are playing catch in the park.

Dee: Okay, take it easy on me. I'm new at this.
Mac: Dee, this is the big leagues. You think Ryan Howard is going to take it easy on you?
Dee: (whines) (throws baseball directly into ground)

Mac: What the hell was that?
Dee: I don't know!
Mac: You suck at this.


Frank and Dennis walk into the GM's office.

Dennis: …so I was telling him, let's go get Randy Johnson...
Ruben Amaro Jr.: Ummm… who the hell are you guys?
Frank: I'm taking your job!
Dennis: Usually it's the other way ar… nevermind. I heard there were some open spots on the Phillies roster and figured we could be your new consultants, you know, make some suggestions.
Amaro: Oh yeah? What suggestions could you possibly have for us?
Dennis: Okay, who's in your rotation right now?
Amaro: Cole Hamels, Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee… then Kendrick and Lannan, probably.
Dennis: See, nobody in that rotation scares me. You know who you need? Randy Johnson. He's tall, he throws super fast, that's the kind of pitcher this team needs.
Amaro: I don't think so…
Dennis: I mean, come on. Jonathan Papelbon as the closer right now? I'm thinking you should get someone more intimidating. What about Ray Lewis?
Amaro: Get the hell out of my office.
Dennis: Wait! So this means you won't be giving my friends tryouts then? They're ready to go now!
Amaro: The team is still in Florida for spring training, idiot.


Dee (looking at Dennis): You didn't know that the team is in Florida right now?


Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Red Reporter

You must be a member of Red Reporter to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Red Reporter. You should read them.

Join Red Reporter

You must be a member of Red Reporter to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Red Reporter. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.