Well, it's come to this. I'm talking about the New York Mets on a blog. Can you imagine trying to explain a blog to a guy on the street in 1944?
MODERN MAN: "It's an imaginary place in a world of electricity where you talk about things."
POWELL THURSBY: *puffs a cigarette* "Don't you people have bars?"
The world is better than it's ever been before. We've got all this information and entertainment and creative ways to share them and what do we do? We sit on our couch using Netflix to watch reruns from 1988. Those shows sucked then. What are we doing re-watching them 25 years later? But we all do it. Look at me, I'm on the Internet talking about baseball.
Have you noticed that no one orders just a hot dog at a ballgame anymore? At Citi Field, you can get a pastrami sandwich, barbecue from Blue Smoke, and even a burger from Shake Shack. What's next, beef Wellington? If I'm at the game, give me a Nathan's famous. I want those onions that have been sitting on the grill for two and a half hours. I want that neon colored mustard and the hot ketchup from the condiment station. The whole experience is right on that line between enjoyable and loathsome. The relish in the little packets though, that crosses the line. You know what I'm talking about? Have you ever seen anyone use those?
You have to enjoy the food as a Mets fan these days, because the games are awful, just unwatchable. Who can get excited about an outfield of Kirk Nieuwenhuis, Mike Baxter, and Lucas Duda? Mike Baxter sounds like an auto mechanic. At least Nieuwenhuis and Duda are fun names. Say it with me: Du-da. Duuuu-da. It's got a musical quality to it. The camptown ladies sing this song. Du-da, Du-da. Zip-a-dee-Du-da. That's why I hope Jordany Valdespin makes the roster. Valdespin is just a great name. If the Mets are going to lose 90 games, at least give me some fun names.
The Mets are still paying Jason Bay and Bobby Bonilla though. That's reassuring. I worked at a movie theater the summer I was 15. Imagine if Mr. Greene was still paying me $250 a summer now. I'd hate to have grown up with Bobby Bonilla's agent though. I bet that guy ripped off everybody at the lunch table.
AGENT: "So I've got a tongue sandwich on rye, stale potato chips, a box of Good & Plenty, and a Tab. Who wants to trade?
KID 1: "Gross."
AGENT: "Well, the chips are Lays and there are a few green ones."
KID 2: "Green ones? Really?"
AGENT: "Yeah. I'll trade them for your Cel-Ray. You don't like celery anyway."
KID 2: "OK, deal."
AGENT: "Lawrence, the sandwich is on that marble rye from that deli on 84th St. You know the one. I know you love their marble rye."
LAWRENCE: "Yeah, but I don't like tongue."
AGENT: "I'll take the tongue off and trade you the bread for half of your Cheetos."
AGENT: "And Mel, you're going out for football. You need your protein. I'll trade you my tongue and my Good & Plenty for your tomato and mayo sandwich. Joe Namath said he eats tongue before every game."
AGENT: "Yeah, I wouldn't lie to you."
MEL (reluctantly): *sigh* "Deal."
AGENT: "Schwartz, I know you hate that V8 juice your ma packs. I'll give you my Tab for one of your Twix bars."
This guy was turning tongue into Cheetos! You know Fred Wilpon always got the raw end of the deal as a kid anyway. He probably traded a Mickey Mantle rookie card for his first six pack of Schaefer beer. Fred just couldn't talk his cousin into taking a quarter and that Gil McDougald card.
On the bright side, the infield should be tolerable. The Mets' infield is like the black and white cookie. Of course the cookie stands for racial harmony, but the infield represents the diversity of New York. You've got a guy from Latin America in Ruben Tejada, a mensch in Ike Davis, and an Irishman in Daniel Murphy. David Wright is the kid from Somewhere, U.S. working on Wall Street. It's a little slice of New York, New York. What the Mets need is a little slice of Cooperstown, New York.
Speaking of David Wright, the Mets, as you know, signed him to an eight-year, $138 million contract this offseason. $138 million to play a children's game. My friend was ahead of the game on this one. He figured out where this was going when the Seitz decision came down in 1975. He started spending all of his free time on a game. He just picked the wrong one: Monopoly. Of course he wasn't too far off either. They have poker on about 13 channels now. I don't understand that World Series of Poker though. The winner gets a cash prize. Doesn't the winner of every poker game win cash? What's the difference?
I am really disappointed about the loss of R.A. Dickey. Now that's a guy I could identify with. He's made a career out of a joke pitch. The other pitchers must look at knuckleballers the same way bankers and engineers look at entertainers. Johan Santana and Jonathan Niese are out there slinging fastballs and crafting their breaking balls, and Dickey is screwing around with the pitching equivalent of a pie to the face.
So the Mets are terrible, but people tell me there's hope on the horizon. I read that Travis D'Arnaud, Zack Wheeler, and Noah Syndergaard should all be good players, but who has the patience to wait ? I'm going to go watch Night Court. Good night, everybody!