Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 12/01/13, MAILBAG EDITION

The key to any good Reds trade rumor is Brandon Phillips. - Evan Habeeb-US PRESSWIRE

We answer the questions you didn't want to ask!

Early December is often the quietist time of the year for baseball fans. Luckily, for Reds fans, it means it is time for Redsfest.  For Walt Jocketty, early December means it is time for him to awake from his autumn nap and make some moves aside from autopilot signings of low budget infielders. For unintentionally unemployed sports journalists, it means time to engage in ad hominem attacks against other employed individuals that are intentionally unemployed-as-sports-journalists on Twitter. For Reds blogs, it is a time to speculate and report on non-news until actual news happens. Also, it is a time to answer questions from people too embarrassed to create an account on SB Nation. Huzzah!

Dear RIWIAW,

I've been waiting for the Reds to make a move and they haven't yet. What gives?

Sincerely,

Anxious in Anderson

Dear Anxious,

If you look at the past few offeasons for the Reds, you'll notice that they really don't get started in making acquisitions until mid-December. The Latos trade occurred on December 17, 2011. Likewise, the trade for Shin Soo Choo occurred on December 12, 2012. As you may know, the Reds are on a budget and are unable to sign decent players to overly generous contracts. As such, the Reds generally wait for the market to die down prior to making their move. I wouldn't chalk it up to the Reds being passive on the trade front. However, if the Reds haven't attempted to alleviate their holes significantly by Gaudete Sunday, someone may want to give Walt a wake up call.

Dear RIWIAW,

What is Redsfest?

Respectfully,

Real Keeping in Reading

Dear Real Keeping,

Are you sure you're a Reds fan? Has Joey Votto not taught you how to love?  Redsfest is an annual event put on by the Cincinnati Reds for their fans every December. It will be held at the Duke Energy Center in downtown Cincinnati on December 6th and 7th.  While there, you will have the opportunity to stand in line for autographs, listen to interviews of players and staff, purchase memorabilia, and partake in plenty of other activities. An added bonus this year includes not having to sit through a Bronson Arroyo concert. The proceeds of Redsfest will go towards the Reds Community Fund. So, even if you're marginally interested in the activities I have listed, you should still go so everyone won't think you're some kind of miser. You can learn more about Redsfest here.

Dear RIWIAW,

Have they fired Dusty yet?

Inquisitively,

Curious in Covedale

Dear Curious,

Yes, he's been fired for approximately two months now. More importantly, the Reds have hired Bryan Price as his replacement.  We here at RIWIAW think it's a pretty good hire. Price was the Reds pitching coach the past couple of years and was a hot coaching commodity entering the offseason. Unfortunately, you will probably need to hold off on asking for Price's head until the first game of the season. That is, unless you want to do so on 700 WLW. If you want someone fired, impeached, maimed, or flogged, you'll go to the head of the line on their shows.

Dear RIWIAW,

I want to write to convey how incredibly disappointed I am in your blog. You are unprofessional because you use explicit language despite the fact I may, at times, use it myself. I am also frustrated by the fact that you appear to be having fun at doing what you consider as a hobby. Sports is a solemn topic that must be approached with deference and respect. Nobody on the internet should write about sports unless they adhere to the Chicago Stylebook and take hive courses on journalism ethics. After all, we're dealing with a topic where the best hitter was, just three years ago, found passed out drunk in the backseat of a car during Spring Training. Most importantly, I am also deeply discouraged by your use of strawmen in order to make a point about individuals taking themselves too seriously.

Sincerely,

A Serious Journalist.

Dear Serious Journalist,

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Dear RIWIAW,

What should I be doing, as a Reds fan, in order to pass the time during the rest of the offseason?

Yours truly,

Wistful in Walnut Hills,

Dear Wistful,

I generally mark the offseason by ramping up my passive aggression towards people who annoy me. However, you may think or act differently due to a much classier upbringing. Now is a great time to brush up on the Twitter echo chamber by starting your own Reds rumors. Remember that it cannot be too sensational. Nobody is going to believe the Reds are going to sign Robinson Cano. However, you can probably fool a few folks if you do it the right way. Here are a couple of pro tips:

1. Make sure the trade cuts Reds payroll or, at least, is revenue neutral.

2. Make sure it involves Brandon Phillips, Homer Bailey, Mike Leake, or Ryan Hanigan.

3. Have the Reds acquire a former Cardinal or two.

For example, a trade rumor involving Brandon Phillips going to the Blue Jays for like Colby Rasmus is sure to be taken seriously. Your Twitter account will likely end up on MLBTradeRumors until someone exposes you as the sad recluse you are. Best of luck!

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