Why are we liveblogging the debut of Pete Rose's new reality show, Hits and Mrs.? If you have to ask this, you are surely in the wrong place.
Pete Rose has a new reality show. Pete Rose used to play baseball and manage the Reds. He doesn't anymore because he bet on baseball and then lied about it. That's okay though, because he now has a fiance half his age who won some beauty pageant or something.
Enter TLC. It used to stand for The Learning Channel. However, after being privatized, it has pretty much turned into a Bravo-Lite reality TV network without the wit or the guys from Queer Eye. Now, it regularly airs something called Honey Boo Boo, which sounds like a character from a Yogi Bear cartoon. Evidently, this too is a reality show. In order to program around this flagship series, TLC is required to let anyone of marginal fame and zero self-awareness obtain a pilot and a six-episode season commitment. Pete Rose matches these characteristics to a "T." Thus, Pete Rose now has a series on TLC.
Like anything Pete Rose has done the past twenty-five years, from officiating professional wrestling matches to charging money for autographs, this will surely be painful to watch. I can imagine it will be even more painful for those who used to watch Baseball's Hit King in his prime. That's fine with me though, because as someone under thirty, I've always viewed him as a caricature, much in the same way I view Jerry Springer. Sure in their past lives, they devoted their time to the noble occupations of baseball and government, respectively. However, their legacy comes not from their careers, but the dubious epilogues of their lives.
I doubt this will be a very insightful show. In fact, it will likely be as cliched as one can be and still be "unscripted" reality television. You cannot say this is demeaning for Rose because Pete decided to set a blowtorch to his image long ago. So, that means it's okay to sully this marginal show with a drinking game. Enjoy!
Take One Sip When:
Gambling is mentioned.
The word "bet" is used as a comedic device.
Pete asserts his innocence.
Pete is seen charging for an autograph.
Pete uses a double-negative in a sentence or botches subject-verb agreement.
Marge Schott appears.
Pete's relationship is characterized as May-December
The phrase "Forty One Ninety-Two" is uttered.
Pete appears on screen in a new hideous outfit or hat.
There is a shameless cross-promotion of another TLC show.
A Pete Rose Jr. sighting occurs.
"Hall of Fame" is mentioned.
Pete Rose criticizes current ballplayers.
Bart Giamatti is mentioned.
Take Two Sips When:
Paul Giamatti is mentioned.
Pete calls out a current ballplayer by name.
Pete breaks the fourth wall and speaks directly into the camera at the audience.
Pete mentions "My Prison Without Bars."
They mention "West High" (do or die!)
Finish Your Drink
If, at any point, you see a MLB logo or team logo suggesting that this has been endorsed, approved, or sanctioned by Major League Baseball.
If Pete's secretary gives him the message that "Johnny Bench called."