"That'll shut 'em up." (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)
Covering what other writers are
too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.
Sunday: Hot Button Topics Deserve Opinion Pieces!
EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW WHERE EVERYONE ELSE STANDS, MAN! Since the Reds are winning this week and the University of Kentucky isn't making anymore trips this year to GABP, sports writers need to find something else to second guess. This week, it's Aroldis Chapman's role with the team. Next week? Whether Sam LeCure needs highlights in his mustache to intimidate batters. We here at RIWIAW have been fairly clear in what we think Chapman's role should be: he's great so use him as often-as-possible until his arm falls off since we'll only have him for five years. There. You have it. And did you see how we were able to do it without incorporating logical fallacies and saying that everyone not holding this opinion is stupid?
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Monday: He Would Have Been Driving Faster If Given A Day's Rest.
We here at RIWIAW usually spend our Sunday evenings sleeping. If we aren't, we usually are listening to Frank Sinatra's In The Wee Small Hours of the Morning crying ourselves to sleep over a bottle of Cabernet. (Editor's note: it's that good, folks.) If you're Aroldis Chapman, you evidently spend said we small hours driving at 93 MPH in Grove City, Ohio. Unfortunately, this incident is the latest in a series of bizarre encounters The Cuban Missile has had with the American judicial system. The only benefit of this is that the General Counsel's office at RIWIAW gets to humor itself by reading all the speculative punishments Chapman will receive in court. We had no clue they still had pillories!
* * *Tuesday: Around the Twitterverse
We here at RIWIAW were afraid that the Cincinnati Enquirer's removal of their anonymous commenting system would destroy our ability to see mildly-racist individuals post garbage about the Reds to make up for their own insecurities. Boy, were we wrong! That's what Twitter is for! More specifically, the #FireDusty hashtag! So, in the midst of a six game winning streak with a manager that has taken two teams to the NLCS and has forgotten more about baseball than they'll ever know, here are some golden nuggets from horrible Reds fans. We'll keep it anonymous because we don't want to give these jackballs the time of day.
#DustySucks #FIREDUSTY #GutTheEntireRedsCoachingStaff
#reds Ummmmmm where's the missile and what exactly does Dusty think he's doing? Sometimes I think he is trying to lose. #firedusty
With Jay Bruce slumping, why doesn't Dusty Baker have the balls or the knowledge to bunt the ball. #firedusty
unreal! #FireDusty #ChokeOnThatToothpick
Anyone who thinks the Reds should NOT #FireDusty is smoking crack.
Why do you not bunt there? #firedusty
Why does Dusty ALWAYS BUNT? #FIREDUSTY
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Wednesday : Red Reporter - Sometimes Creepers are Helpful
If you ever wanted to hit a game wining home run, then you should hang out with Red Reporter folks before the game (unless you're playing wiffleball, because we're terrible at it). As -ManBearPig's Fanpost indicates, today the Reds decided to Jump the Shark and invite some of the writers of this site to batting practice. Two Reds, Todd Frazier and Devin Mesoraco, actually took time to speak with the Red Reporters. The result? Todd Frazier hit the game winning homer in the bottom of the ninth and Mesoraco hit the first grand slam of his career the next game. Coincidence? Probably, but that hasn't stopped us from taking credit before.
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Thursday: This Week(-ish) in Red Reporter History
Since we here at RIWIAW are fairly incapable at searching for old stuff on the internet (UNLESS ITS P0RwN), we sometimes have to rely on the graces of others to do our work for us. This week, Boobs did the heavy lifting for us by pointing out an old Farmer's Only report from 2008. Of course, we wouldn't be worth our weight in dung if we didn't provide the another FO from earlier that week when we were all salivating at the possibility of Jay Bruce being promoted to the Major Leagues. Thus, if you're discouraged by Jay's slumps, take heed and realize that this is what we've been waiting for.
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Friday: Comment(s) of the Week!
It's been a good week for the Reds as well as the comments here on Red Reporter. Thus, we have several quality winners this week! Their prize? An ability to complain about having to share the award.