Neck Tats and Nincompoops: The 2012 St. Louis Cardinals

Well, the time has come to preview, as Bobby Knight might say, "that team from the NL Central." Since this is a preview written for an audience that does not, on balance, care much for the WLBs, and since I am currently sitting on the beach getting drunk. this preview is going to be a bit short on "baseball facts" and more concerned with "random hyperbolic insults." (I apologize to alcory11 in advance). So, without any further ado, away we go!

For those of you who are not familiar with them, the St. Louis Cardinals are professional baseball team. They mostly look like this (after the jump)...



Some of them, however, choose to decorate themselves:



Last year, the Cardinals failed to win the division, despite being an early favorite. As usual, they had plenty of excuses, but since I stopped watching baseball after the regular season, I was thankfully spared listening to any of it. During the off season, they lost their best hitter, Albert Pujols, who went to Southern California, probably with dreams of becoming a movie star. I am sure that any problems they experience this year will be blamed on the stars in little Albert's eyes.

Probable Lineup:

C - Yadier Molina. "Yadier" is a Hebrew name meaning "Mutilates his own neck." Molina is generally regarded as the best defensive catcher in baseball, although it is unclear whether this is due to actual prowess, or fear on the part of experts that he will sneak into their bedrooms at night and tattoo their genitals with the Chinese symbol for "meth head."

1B - Lance Berkman. Berkman is a fat ugly bastard.

2B - Skip Schumaker. Schumaker has been a key member of the Cardinals, known for hsi toughness and grit. However, according to my sources at the Topps news agency, he was transformed into a squirrel during the off season. While this gives him a very small strike zone, he is a free swinger and may not be able to take advantage of this. Due to his small size, his range at 2b is likely to be quite pathetic (or as Skip calls it, "the same as ever").

SS - Rafeal Furcal. The proximity to the gravitational pull of Berkman's fat ass will likely cause Furcal to collide with 3B David "Mr." Freese, putting him on the disabled list for the 94th time since 2009. Todd Greene is currently listed as the backup SS, but I am almost certain he murdered Mr. Boddy in the Billiard Room with the Candlestick, so the Cardinals will likely be looking for a new SS by early May. Might I suggest:


"One owner. Barely used. Glove like new, may need bat replaced." via

3B - David Freese. I'm pretty sure this dude died in a Batman movie, but it might have been the one with George Clooney, and that one doesn't really count.

LF - Matt Holliday. Have you ever had a piece of popcorn stuck in your teeth? You know how that happens? Matt Holliday actually has an army of little men who live in popcorn bags, crawl into your mouth, and jam pieces of popcorn between your teeth and gum. This is what he spends all of his money on. Why? Because he is an enormous dickhead.

CF - John Jay. Embarrassed of their ethnicity, his family dropped the "CobJingleheimerSchmidt" from their last name. I don't know much else about Jay, except that as a member of the Cardinals, he is required to beat his wife every Tuesday, his kids every Wednesday, and Bill DeWitt's penis every Thursday.

RF - Carlos Beltran. Beltran made his Heel Turn this off season (why does my spellcheck not accept the word "offseason". This spellchecker is a Cardinal-level douchebag. Seriously. I'm not even sure if it is Firefox or SBN spellchecking me, but it also won't accept "spellcheck" OR douchebag". Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, have you ever heard of a compoundfuckingword? Yeah, didn't accept "tapdancing either. Gofuckyourself, spellchecker.


Look at him dance! via

Starting Pitching:

Chris Carpenter. Imagine you die (in a slow and painful manner), and are sent to the lowest bowels of hell. Once there, you meet Satan, who informs you that your job is to crawl up into his putrid, stinking asshole and remove a polyp. On your way up, Satan contracts a severe case of Montezuma's Revenge, and begins spewing copious amounts of diarrhea. You crawl upstream through this torrent of malodorous, demonic dysentery, choking and coughing as it fills your eyes, ears, nose and tongue. After many long hours, you finally reach the offending polyp. Straddling it you find an imp, grimacing and grunting as he rapes the sore with all his might. Upon seeing you, the imp reaches out, grabs the back of your head, and pushes your face into his crotch. There, clinging to the imp's genitals, is a small gremlin with razor sharp teeth, chewing the imp's right testicle off.

That gremlin find Chris Carpenter to be a rather uncouth and unpleasant fellow.

The rest of the starting pitchers: Who gives a rat's ass about them, or the bullpen, I have wasted nearly 900 words on these whiny bitches, and I'm not wasting any more. I've got drinkin to do.

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