Hu's on First?: A Modernization

I thought I'd spruce up the old Abbott and Costello routine using modern players. Enjoy.

(aside: I'm so old that my dad saw Abbott and Costello live.)

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to Cincinnati with you. You know Dusty Baker, the Reds Manager, gave me a job as coach for an exhibition game of MLB players.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dice-K.

Costello: His teammate Big Papi.

Abbott: Ah, Big Papi…

Costello: And his arch-nemesis.

Abbott: Arch-nemesis?

Costello: The Big Unit.

Abbott: The Big Unit... Well, let's see, we have on the bags…We got a Fielder at first, Hu’s on second, and third is Wright.

Costello: Are you the coach?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who's on first?

Abbott: No. Second base.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

Abbott: Hu?

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Fielder.

Costello: I know the first baseman is a fielder.

Abbott: Yeah, but he’s not great with the glove.

Costello: Then why do you call him that?

Abbott: It’s his name.

Costello: Whose name?

Abbott: No, he’s at second base.

Costello: The first baseman plays two positions?!?

Abbott: No, just one. Hu is at second base.

Costello: That’s a good question. Why don’t you go ahead and tell me who’s on second..

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who's playing first?

Abbott: No, second base.

Costello: OK…so when you pay off the second baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on second base.

Abbott: Hu.

Costello: The guy that gets...

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Who gets the money...

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Whose wife?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

Abbott: Prince.

Costello: I don’t care if he prints or writes in cursive, I just wanna know his name.

Abbott: I already told you.

Costello: Wait…who’s on third?

Abbott: Third is Wright.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: No, he’s on second base.

PAUSE

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the guy's name at third base.

Abbott: Wright.

Costello: So go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: I did.

Costello: So who is it?

Abbott: No, second base.

Costello: I’m asking you, who’s on third?

Abbott: Wright. He is.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: Second base.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?

Abbott: I’m telling you second base.

Costello: Shucks, Abbott…you’re driving me nuts. Don’t you even know the name of the second baseman?

Abbott: Of course, I know Hu’s been out there for Weeks.

Costello: The second baseman never gets a break?

Abbott: Of course he does. He’s taking a break right now.

Costello: If he’s taking a break, who’s on second?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: Let me get this straight…you’ve been starting the second baseman for weeks?

Abbott: Yes. He’s been playing there for 2 straight days.

Costello: What happened to weeks?

Abbott: He’s our starting second baseman.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: No, he’s just in there for Weeks.

Costello: You’re not very good with a calendar.

Abbott: Sure, I am. I was counting the days this morning. We have just enough time to stretch out Camp.

Costello: You want to make spring training even longer?

Abbott: No, we just want to stretch out Camp so he can pitch more.

Costello: Who can?

Abbott: No, he’s a second baseman.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: I thought he was at third!?!

Abbott: Wright's on third, we're not talking about him.

Costello: So who’s your best player?

Abbott: I wouldn’t say that.

Costello: What would you say?

Abbott: I’d say that our right fielder may be our most valuable asset.

Costello: So on the open market, the right fielder is worth…?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: Then what about third base?

Abbott: Wright.

Costello: How can I be right? I don’t have any idea what I’m talking about!!!

Abbott: Well, you know our right fielder’s Werth.

Costello: I have no idea, honestly.

Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who's playing third base?

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Hu on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third?

Abbott: That’s Wright!

Costello: You don't want who on second?

Abbott: I think he’s fine at second if we don’t have Weeks.

Costello: Who cares about weeks from now? I’m talking about today’s game!

Abbott: Oh, well if it’s just today’s game you’re worried about, it will help you to know that today’s scheduled starter is Yu.

Costello: Since when?!? I can’t pitch!

Abbott: No, you can’t. But Yu can.

Costello: Which is it? Am I pitching or not?

Abbott: Well, now that we’ve stretched out Camp, I am comfortable starting Yu, too.

Costello: I’m not gonna play, I tell you!

Abbott: We don’t need you; we have those guys, plus Coffey in the bullpen.

Costello: I could go for a cup right about now…Look, you gotta outfield?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: He’s Dunn.

Costello: So you don’t think he’s worth much anymore?

Abbott: No, Werth is a completely different guy. We’re Dunn in left.

Costello: What about right?

Abbott: He’s at third base.

Costello: Then tell me the members of your outfield.

Abbott: We’re Dunn in left field.

Costello: I want to know, what's the guy's name in left field?

Abbott: Dunn.

Costello: You don’t think he can bounce back?

Abbott: I think he can.

Costello: So who is in left field, then?

Abbott: Wrong. Second base.

Costello: For weeks?

Abbott: Probably just a few more days.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The pitcher's name?

Abbott: Yu.

Costello: I am no pitcher!

Abbott: No, you’re not. But Yu is.

Costello: Wow, your grammar is as bad as your memory. So who is gonna pitch today?

Abbott: Of course not! He’s a second baseman.

Costello: So if the second baseman is not pitching, name the starting pitcher.

Abbott: Yu.

Costello: I asked you first.

Abbott: Now listen. Yu begins the game, and then we’ll get Coffey from the bullpen.

Costello: I don’t "begins" the game, and why would I want coffee after a night game?

Abbott: No, you use Coffey late in the game, when Yu gets tired.

Costello: I’m feeling pretty tired already.

PAUSE

Costello: So there’s a fielder at first…

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: And you have a second baseman who’s been there a while.

Abbott: Not for very long, he’s just been in for Weeks.

Costello: Right.

Abbott: No, he’s at third base.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott & Costello together: SECOND BASE.

PAUSE

Costello: So your team’s worth is mostly in right field.

Abbott: He sure is.

Costello: Let’s say a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, the fielder’s gonna throw the guy out at first base. So they pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Fielder.

Costello: The fielder just picked the ball up. And he throws to who?

Abbott: No, he’s all the way at second base.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: Who has it?

Abbott: Probably not Hu. That would be a terrible throw.

PAUSE

Costello: So they throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: Now who's got it?

Abbott: Fielder.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: No, that’s silly. Fielder’s at first, Hu’s on second, and third base is all Wright.

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Fielder.

Abbott: And that’s worth an out.

Costello: Great! So who’s out?

Abbott: No. He’s the fielder.

Costello: I thought you said a fielder was at first.

Abbott: You're not saying it...

Costello: I throw the ball to the fielder, and he is not as valuable as the right fielder, but better than the left fielder. Because the left fielder is done. Am I right?

Abbott: Right.

Costello: And the defense on the right side is fielder and who?

Abbott: Exactly. But Wright is on the left side.

Costello: Right is on the left.

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally. OK, I think I've got it. Now you ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Fielder?

Costello: Right.

Abbott: No, he’s at third base.

Costello: Why would I throw the ball to third base?

Abbott: You wouldn’t want to. Even Yu knows better than to throw to the wrong base.

Costello: I’m not sure I do’s. I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Hu picks up the ball and throws it in to Wright. Wright throws it to Fielder at first. You can pitch better than me, but I’m pitching until later when we get coffee out of the bullpen. Have I got it now?

Abbott: All except our outfield. Don’t forget center field. We have Coco Crisp in center.

Costello: You have a breakfast cereal in center field?

Abbott: No, that man just has a ridiculous name.