Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 11/4/12

Frank Victores-US PRESSWIRE

Covering what other writers are too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.

Monday: You cannot spell "mascot" without "ascot."

It’s well known to any Major League Baseball fan that every team must have at least one androgynously anthropomorphic mascot to attract children and furries to the baseball park (fact: games featuring the Philly Phanatic are dynamically priced in Philadelphia). This means that not only must teams have a "traditional mascots," such as Mr. Red, gender-equality mascots (Rosie Red), geriatric-appreciative mascots (Mr. Redlegs), but also absolutely nonsensical piles of fur (Gapper.) It is in this vein that the Astros have announced that they too will have multiple mascots once they start American League play next season. They will bring back Orbit, the mascot frequently confused for a character in a Pixar movie, who disappeared at the end of the last millenium. While Orbit is meant to replace "Junction Jack," it is almost a guarantee that Jack will return to race Orbit during seventh inning stretches along with the Astros’ own geriatric-appreciative mascot, Roger Clemens.

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Tuesday: But if they gave out Silver Gloves and Gold Sluggers . . .

Despite having 2/3 of a lineup nominated, the Cincinnati Reds were shutout from bringing home Gold Glove awards for 2012. While some decent excuses for this snubbing exist (such as EVERYBODY in the league hates Brandon Phillips), it is rather odd to see so much talent result in so much futility (outside of Fenway Park). The Reds may have been the best defensive team, but that doesn't mean that better candidates existed at each individual position. The only problem is that they didn’t win either. That’s cool though; as the saying goes, offense wins games, defense wins championships, and fielding percentage without taking range into equation wins Gold Gloves.

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Wednesday: Hamilton's Bank of the U.S.

We here at RIWIAW enjoy checking in on former Reds that do or request wacky things (fact: our number one source of pageclicks comes from the Facebook walls of Deion Sanders' high school classmates). Wednesday's man-child is Josh Hamilton. Hamilton, the oft-injured and relapsing coke fiend is reportedly seeking a seven year $175 million contract. A contract for this length and this size would almost inevitably place Hamilton into the "toxic asset" category currently occupied by Alex Rodriguez, Carl Crawford, Alfonso Soriano, and about half of the LAA Angels. Unless Hamilton thinks there will be a forth, and ultimately hyper-inflative round of quantitative easing, we think Josh may be spending the offseason waiting for the phone to ring.

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Thursday: Super Size Hanley, Big Mac

When C. Trent Rosecrans wastes column inches on how terrible Cincinnati fans are, it’s difficult for us to claim the moral high ground. However, despite how low we may get, there will always be that level of metamorphic rock occupied by the St. Louis Cardinals. Their resident PED distributor, credited with two World Series championships as Cardinals hitting instructor, decided to take his talents medicine cabinet to Chavez Ravine to become the hitting instructor for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hey, if there’s anyone capable of "teaching" Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez how to regain their power stroke, it’s the man whose past is less vilified than Barry Bonds and less pathetic than Sammy Sosa.

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Friday: Comment of the Week

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Saturday: An Awards Show that WON'T be Preempted on ESPN 2 Anytime Soon.

In case you thought it was just the writers of RIWIAW that cannot come up with new things to write about during the offseason, please be assured that the current epidemic of writer’s block is, at the very least, city wide. In light of the Reds losing out on the Gold Glove awards, the Enquirer reports today that two Reds are finalists for “The Baseball Hotties.” The awards, essentially the Daytime Emmys for men attractive baseball males, elect individuals every year into their “Hall of Fame” (read: studio apartment full of cats). Former winners include Derek Jeter and Jim Palmer, who will almost assuredly deny Don Zimmer’s efforts to be elected through the Veteran’s Committee this year.

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Sunday: Wow.

This happened.

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