Evidently, this is not priceless. The price is actually $10 million. - Greg Fiume
Covering what other writers are
too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.
Monday: Set 'em Up, Knock 'em Down
Since we here at RIWIAW lack any semblance of journalistic integrity, there are days where we try to make up the news to fill our column inches (and get us page clicks). However, that doesn’t present us with any real ethical problems since nobody takes us "for realsies" when it comes to breaking news (probably because we use phrases like "for realsies"). Therefore, it’s completely cool for us to randomly speculate Reds’ moves that make no financial or plausible sense until that speculation is caught up in the real lamestream media. We like being provocative so we won’t waste your time with the predictable "Daniel Corcino for whomever is left on the Marlins" garbage. Instead, here are four moves we want to see Walt Jocketty have to deny:
3. 3. Anyone (ANYONE) for Clint Barmes
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Tuesday: Juwanna Pierre?
In a move that equally relieves Reds fans of the fear of acquisition and permits the Marlins to have an active player from the 2003 team in order celebrate the tenth anniversary of their last World Series victory, the
Florida Miami Filene's Basement Marlins signed former trade-rumor-roulette-wheel-jeu Juan Pierre. The deal for Pierre was reportedly oneyear and worth $800,000 which projects to double the Marlins' Opening Day payroll in 2013.
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Wednesday: Affiliate Soup
Sometimes, AAA affiliates take the mascots and logos of their Major League big brothers. For example, if you live in Pawtucket, you’re going to be a Red Sox fan whether you root for the big club or the one in Rhode Island. We here at RIWIAW have come to the conclusion that there are also some AAA teams that choose mascots in order to never have certain MLB teams express interest in them. Therefore, we here at RIWIAW are offended that the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre AAA team decided to name themselves after the one item that is extremely contentious in Cincinnati: passenger rail. Yes, while Los Angeles National League team is named after the kids that avoided boarding streetcars, the Yankees' affiliate decides to glorify those that decided to climb aboard (how Bourgeoisie of them). We’re cool with naming teams after people who travel, but this RailRiders monicker is pushing it. We would have preferred the Newark PATH Hangars, the Arlington Cab Hailers, or the Montreal Pedestrians (Les Piétons).
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Comment Thread of the Week!
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Friday: Tales from the Discount Bin
Any marginally sane shopper knows you don’t go to the Black Friday sales the minute the doors open
Friday Thanksgiving. That doorbuster $40 Blu-ray player you want? The Best Buy you’re going to only has 10 in stock and they’re being hidden in the washer-dryer section so the assistant manager can sell them to her deadbeat cousin and split the proceeds (guess which RIWIAW writer used to work in retail!). Rather, you go around 4PM on Friday and search the wreckage for deals that are marginally better than normal on stuff you really need. Instead of that HD Blu-ray player that you requires a $96 converter for wireless connectivity, you load up on the $8 26 GB flash drives. It is in this vein that Walt Jocketty did not make a splash today with a big signing, rather he signed Emmanuel Burriss to an alright deal. Like flash drives, you can never have too many weak-hitting infielders. Way to be a discerning shopper, Walt! Suzie Orman salutes you!
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Saturday: Freese Framed?
In the rich tradition of the St. Louis Cardinals and automobiles (as well as pro athletes and Thanksgiving car crashes), Cardinals third baseman David Freese struck a tree this Thanksgiving weekend while driving a SUV in Wildwood, Missouri. While the fact he wasn’t injured is somewhat shocking, the greater surprise is that Freese was actually sober this time! Unlike his previous two DUI arrests (and his former skipper), it was not apparent that Freese was under the influence of alcohol. That’s probably a good thing, because if he had been drinking and struck that tree, he would have been guilty of an F-1 in Missouri if he didn’t use the wood from the tree to form a lean-to. Stupid hippies.
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Sunday: The Invisible (Right) Hand (Pinch Hitter)
In the vicious circle of professional baseball signings, awful contracts drive up the market price which, in turn, further leads to more awful and overpriced contracts. In this light, we here at RIWIAW do not mock other teams when they give idiotic contracts because, sooner or later, it will hurt the teams we love in an indirect fashion. For example, giving Jonny Gomes $5 million a year over two-years isn’t a smart move. In fact, as much as we love Gomes, it is a pretty dumb move that probably will not help Boston (unless they're investing in GnR albums). The bad news? Because of this signing, the market price for left fielders has gone up to the point where Ryan Ludwick is probably unsignable in a deal that would be to the Reds liking. While some economists may argue that this is an inevitable byproduct of supply and demand and that this price point is exactly where the market demands it, they’ll avoid pointing out that the party that inked this deal lost 93 games this season.