You know how when you are listening to the Reds on the radio or watching on TV and there are those ads featuring Joey Votto for Grange Insurance or Marty Brennaman for Thompson Heating and Plumbing? And in these ads they are all like, "Hi, I'm Marty Brennaman and I always call Thompson Heating and Plumbing for all of my heating and plumbing needs. They always hit a home run!" There is always a strained attempt to correlate the product or service to baseball, and it doesn't always work. It turns out, the ones that actually make it to the airwaves are but a tiny fraction of what is actually recorded. Red Reporter has uncovered a secret stash of un-aired promotional advertisements in a bank vault in Europe, and here are transcripts of the best ones from this 2012 season.
"Hi, I'm Mike Leake of the Cincinnati Reds. When I"m on the mound and I've got runners on base, I sometimes have to use a quick-pitch fast delivery to catch the runners off guard. Now you can catch your hunger off guard with a fast delivery from La Rosa's Pizza. La Rosa's Pizza is always fresh and always hot because they have the fastest delivery in town. Well, maybe the second-fastest. Isn't that right, Aroldis Chapman?"
Chapman - "Yes."
"So take it from me, Mike Leake, and my teammate Aroldis Chapman. When you need your pizza fast, call La Rosa's."
"Hi, I'm Sean Marshall, relief pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds. In a tight game when my team is in trouble, my manager calls on me to stop the bleeding. So take it from me ladies, you should call on Poise pads to stop the bleeding when you are experiencing your menses. Poise pads are extra absorbent and custom-fit for your active lifestyle, because you don't have time to worry about it when you need to bear down and get that crucial out. If I were a woman of child-bearing age, I might very well use Poise pads."
"Hi, I'm Homer Bailey, starting pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds. When I'm on the mound at Great American Ballpark, there is no better feeling for me than when I lock up an opposing hitter with the perfect pitch. (Sound bite of umpire yelling, "strike three!") That's why I use Thorman's Custom Cabinetry to lock up all of my rifles, shotguns, and other hunting accessories. Owner and proprietor Walt Thorman has been in the business of custom secret weapons safety cabinets for 20 years, building the safest, most reliable hidden weapons storage in the tri-state area. I know, because he's built five of them for me. Need a gun vault? Call Walt!"
"Hi, I'm Drew Stubbs of the Cincinnati Reds. We go on long road trips during the season, sometimes for weeks at a time. An unattended and unused bathroom at home can be a haven for mold and other gross stuff, so that's why I always seal it up with DAP caulk before I hit the road. I never leave home before beading on a nice wad of caulk in the bathroom. That way I can be sure my bathroom stays mold-free when we are away on one of those long West Coast swings. So get DAP caulk, and plaaaaaaaay caulk!"