The Reds are reportedly looking for a new lead-off hitter this winter. This is news to exactly zero Reds' fans, because we all bore witness to the unfortunate calamity that was the Reds' first hitters during the 2012 season. Here is the hitting line of those whom Dusty Baker so graciously penciled into the lead-off spot: .208/.254/.327. As the noble Patriot of internet baseball fame so deftly put it, The Nationals' pitchers hit better than them. If the Reds' lead-off hitters were a movie, they would be one of those Holocaust movies that invariably gets nominated for a Best Short Film Oscar every year. It was bleak, sad, and you knew exactly how it would end before it even started.
Of course, the team won 97 games. So this is not to complain. No, not a nip. Rather than being whipped into a tizzy by this, I was inspired to take these lemons and dehydrate them, mix in some high-fructose corn syrup and sodium benzoate to preserve freshness, and make some good ol' down home all-American lemonade just like mom used to make. So yeah, here's a Letterman-style top 10 best people that got to second base more often than the Reds' lead-off hitters in 2012.
10. That guy in your office who kind of looks like that blond guy from True Blood and he always hits on chicks by mentioning how he kind of looks like that blond guy from True Blood.
9. Your 10-year-old cousin Donovan.
8. Alan Alda's cousin Walden.
7. Your 88-year-old great-grand peppy who lives in the retirement home and ended up getting the clap because he's one of those old folks in the retirement home that makes a lot of whoopie.
5. Your ex-brother-in-law who eats a tuna sandwich everyday for lunch and lets the empty tuna cans pile up at his desk and never throws them away so the cleaning crew that comes in on the weekends has to do it for him.
4. A eunuch.
3. The hairy fellow at the gym who insists on talking to everyone about his labradoodle.
2. Your friend from college who wore his retainer and back brace to bed every night and got really defensive if you ever razzed him about it.
And the number one person that got to second base more often than the Reds' lead-off hitters in 2012:
Mitt Romney LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLTOPICALOLOLOL!!!