FanPost

Are you wondering if Moose Seaman, Julio Julio , Rusty Potato and the boys are going to compete in 2011 - Here's a bit of the 2010 action.

Moose pulled his Hummer into the stadium Valet area, tossed his key to the Hector the Hispanic kid who parked the cars.

"Hey, Moose you gonna hit one for me today? Called Hector

"Yeah kid - 3rd inning. I hit one out for you and you get me a date with your sister Eileen" "

Sure thing Moose you know she's only seventeen" replied Hector as he climbed up into the bright yellow machine.

 "Yeah but that's in Colombian years, Dude" Moose laughed heartily and walked across the short concourse and into clubhouse. He pushed past Spanky the clubfooted clubhouse manager, who fell awkwardly into the side of the scalding hot tub.. "Move it Spanks..I'm late.."

 "Soreeee Moose."

Moose scowled and made his way past the guys as they were dressing towards his double locker at the end of the row.

"Well looked what the fucking cat dragged in - you are late Pal" It was Rusty Potato the team's loquacious and inept good guy manager.

"Sorry Skip, I would have been here on time but it took longer than usual to please your daughter", This retort brought peals of laughter and under-the-arm fart sounds from the players as they good naturedly called out names like bi-eetch, hoe, skankette, skag and other pet names for the Skip's youngest daughter, Lucy.

Moose stood in front of his locker door mirror and gazed momentarily at his 6'5" frame and shaved head - God damn I'm a hunk he thought. He opened the door and there it was his uniform shirt #1 - Seaman.  Moose Seaman had shot through the minor leagues and this was only his 3rd season but already he was a team leader, starting first baseman and was beginning to think abut the big, big, big contract that loomed at the end of this season. "Yo, Senor Mouse" It was the slick fielding 2nd baseman of Pittsburgh Pirates Julio Julio.



"Fuck you Glue-Boy, you little hispo-faggot turd" snarled Moose

Julio lifted his left leg onto the bench in front of his locked and bending over while clasping his knee with both hand ripped off a tremendous gaseous release.

"Who shit?" Called LaRonne Robinson? Robby was the Pirates leadoff centerfielder who also played point guard for the Boston Celtics.

 "Mexican Crop duster - Dive Dive, Div,e Dive" called out Charyles Suggs the Pirates backup catcher and practical joker! The clubhouse was roaring. Camaraderie before a big game.This was what it’s all about thought Moose, this is the big time.

 "All right you jokers, everyone in the dug in 10" Called out Rusty Potato as he pulled a polished Australian Q-Tip from its silver carrying case and began to absently rub it behind his left ear "What a great bunch of guys. Man, I don't get why we are already in last place 9 games out. But hey its early, the law of averages says we'll get hot soon. "Lets go Duck" Rusty called to his pitching Duck Dickhouse who was still in the bathroom stall dropping a load" "Go on up Skip I'll done in about 15". Rusty headed up the hall towards the filed he was pumped.

Dean Hunkabee called the guys to quiet in the bull pen.
“Gentlemen…please’ he looked around at the other 4 players “let us take this opportunity to ask God, the Big Manager in the sky… for his guidance and deliverance today before we goeth forth to battle”
“Take a knee” barked Scooter “The Armless Wonder” Duncan (youngest of the famous baseball Duncan clan) he had just been called up from AA to fill in the long man spot in bull pen. Scooter was the team heartthrob…he had a poster of himself, bare chested with his arms flexed and Duncan Family crest Tattoo ( a bottle of Wild Turkey) on a bulging bicep. Nobody messed with Scooter.
The guys knelt and removed their hats a held silent for a long moment and then Dean began the day’s invocation:
“OOOOOOHHHH Gawduh….thank You for this day and bless us your team. If it be your will – carry us to victory over the Toronto Blue Jays today For Lord. not only are they from a decadent league but also of the foreign nation Canada…a country which is not ’One Nation under Thou”. Bless our fans, the clubhouse guys, our team, our team owners and our coaching staff. And Lord please help and guide our loving manager Rusty Potato to another victory for your grace. In the name of your only Son… we humbly ask this blessing….Amen’
With a surrounding chorus of amens the group stood to their feet and put their caps on.
“Nice praying Dean” said Loquacious Johnson
“Yes, de prayer id dwas very good…Amen” replied Aruna Punjab. Punjab was the team’s utility man, the first Indian American to play at the MLB level and a devout Hindu. Punjab respectfully attended every function whether it be a prayer meeting or trip to the bar considering them all to be of similar social and religious importance.

 In front of the dugout Moose Seaman nudged Charles Suggs " Thank God Reverend Dean is on our side…fucking Blue Jays are infidels I tell you, infidels"
Suggs scratched his head and replied " Yep they got a young team alright…we should give ‘em can of whup ass to take home tonight"
Moose adjusted his jock and spat a wad of tobacco juice onto the playing field.
“You Suggs you are dumber than shit…did you know that?”
“Ha, Ha, Ha, you’re one funny mother Moose…"

At this moment Duck Dickhouse stood on the dug out steps and began to wave the team in…another game was about to commence. Carlos del Rio was nervous…he was getting the start in left today and batting in the 6th hole.
At 25 he was a rookie, he had always hit for power and had been an RBI machine in the minors. since getting the call up from Indianapolis late last season he struggled to find his stroke. Now with Dirk Carvey out with a pulled anus muscle he had to produce. he had to…He pulled out his cell phone and quickly ripped off a text to Laynce…“I’m nervous big guy…wish me luck…”
Laynce texted back " Do you want asparagus or shredded cabbage tonight…oh a hit a donger for me cutie""
this reply made Carlos realize that he’d been holding his breath…his exhaled and laughed to himself “Laynce is such a girl”

More to come…
Next installment we’ll find out about Julio Julio and his claim of religious power when turning the clubhouse into a hounfo-( a place of vodoo/mambo’s influence.) and his ability to manipulate the govi (a small earthen bottle from which the gros-bon-ange (life essence) of dead ancestors can be called forth to perform the requests of the caller)" and how his actions come into conflict with Rev. Dean Hunkaby. How Carlos and Laynce carefully handle their relation ship and how Scooter Duncan and Locquacious Johnson thrill the ladies.

 A little romance - a little angst- a little baseball...

From his perch in radio broadcasters’ booth Marvin Smugglman, the Pirates long time announcer turned to his partner Chip Coupatty…
"Well Chippy looks like Rusty is going to shake things up a bit today as he’s moved Julio Julio from the two slot down to the 8 hole and is giving Chiquita a chance for a couple more ABs by placing him 2nd in the order". Smugglman reported.
"Smugs…I’m thinking that Rusty might be thinking that Julio will see some better pitches batting in front of Seaman than he was getting batting in front of the pitcher" replied Coupatty
"Incisive Chip and we’ll be getting to see some of Carlos del Rio in LF now that Dirk Carvey is out with the lower groin muscle pull"
"That’s a painful injury Smuggy, I pulled my butthole muscle when I was playing for the Indians, 1st pitch in the 2nd inning against the Orioles and I had to finish the next 6 innings even thought it hurt like H-E-Double –Hockey-Sticks – in those days we didn’t have no special trainers and medical staff…you’d go in between innings and put an ice pack in your jock and hope you could get out there for another shot at ‘em"
"Well Chip here’s line up" Said Smuggleman

Leading off and in CF LaRonne Robinson
Batting second SS Benedickto Chiquita
As always the reliable Moose Seaman bats 3rd and is at 1B
Playing third base and batting clean up Heath Vottufsskeiru…always a mouthful, this young man with the Canadian mother and the Icelandic father who grew up in Winnipeg is proud of Icelandic heritage has corrected the pronunciation of his last name…it is to be pronounced in the Canadian silent K and the silent Icelandic F – Vottusru…So Heath Vottusru at 3rd base,.
In RF, Loquacious Johnson will bat 5th
Getting his first start of this young season, in LF the rookie, Carlos del Rio
The veteran Festis Sergeant will do the catching and bat seventh
2B Julio Julio is in the 8 hole
 Batting 9 the RHP Johnny ‘Stumps’ Herzog

"Well Smuggs, lets see how Stumps handles the blue Jays. He’s got to keep the ball down and away from every hitter and stay ahead of them in the count. If his breaking ball is working it will be a long day for the Jays at the plate because he’ll nibble them to death."

  * * * * * * * * *

Heath Vottusru toweled down after a quick post game shower. His chiseled, All-American good looks belied a foreign gene pool. He was a new generation baseball player. He had graduated from high school at age 16, 1st in his class academically. He had led his school’s varsity Hockey team to the league and Provincial championships his freshman/sophomore, junior and senior years. Heath had set a new school goals record and although the season was short, he found time to play a little baseball in the spring. He was drafted by the Pirates as a 5th round pick and only spent two years in the minors before being called up to the show. In his off season time he continued to work on his college degree with a double major of Anthropology (emphasis in indigenous Inuit religions) and molecular genetics. Despite his intelligence, good looks and new found fame he was a solitary man. But tonight, tonight was different he had a date with an all American girl. He had met her at the downtown public library. She was an artist, a dancer by vocation and she intrigued him no end. He’d had a good night at the plate with two singles and homer and now off to dinner with her.

She waited outside the player’s entrance nervously pacing. Why had she agreed to go out with a baseball player…her mother had warned her about professional sport personalities and in this case her mother, for once, probably knew best. Her mother had been a dancer too, a dancer in clubs for money that is. Kitten Fantasia had named her only daughter after her best friend Bubbles who had been tragically killed in a pole accident before Bubbles was born. All her life she had carried the name Bubbles Francine Fantasia with embarrassment and chagrin. Her high school friends called her B.F, but in college she’d taken the name Frannie after the Salinger character and that was how she’d introduced herself to the handsome young man at the copy machine at the library. Now here she was going to dinner with him and she’d have to fess up once again…"Hi Heath my real name is Bubbles…you can call me B.F. but I prefer Frannie…"
The door opened and there he was in the flesh, Heath Vottsru…the All-Canadian Man.
"Great game…you hit the ball really far" she smile and felt totally goofy.
"Thanks, I’m ready for a little dinner and I have just the place in mind" replied Heath
"Great where are we going?" she asked
"If you don’t think it awkward, my place – I love to cook and have the ingredients for some Sushi Dogs, braised eggplant, lightly spiced and some yóutiáo too. If you don’t care for Chinese – we could go out to wherever you’d like…your choice" He smiled and she looked into his deep blue eyes and found herself saying against her better judgment..
"Chinese sounds great." What was she getting herself into? She should turn around and head for her cozy Riverview Terrace apartment and forget this folly. But she did not. She followed Heath through the parking lot and as he graciously held the door of his late model Silverado she felt a tingle flow through her body. ‘This man owns a truck…God how she loved a man with a truck".

 

A little romance - a little angst- a little baseball...

From his perch in radio broadcasters’ booth Marvin Smugglman, the Pirates long time announcer turned to his partner Chip Coupatty…
"Well Chippy looks like Rusty is going to shake things up a bit today as he’s moved Julio Julio from the two slot down to the 8 hole and is giving Chiquita a chance for a couple more ABs by placing him 2nd in the order". Smugglman reported.
"Smugs…I’m thinking that Rusty might be thinking that Julio will see some better pitches batting in front of Seaman than he was getting batting in front of the pitcher" replied Coupatty
"Incisive Chip and we’ll be getting to see some of Carlos del Rio in LF now that Dirk Carvey is out with the lower groin muscle pull"
"That’s a painful injury Smuggy, I pulled my butthole muscle when I was playing for the Indians, 1st pitch in the 2nd inning against the Orioles and I had to finish the next 6 innings even thought it hurt like H-E-Double –Hockey-Sticks – in those days we didn’t have no special trainers and medical staff…you’d go in between innings and put an ice pack in your jock and hope you could get out there for another shot at ‘em"
"Well Chip here’s line up" Said Smuggleman

“Leading off and in CF LaRonne Robinson
Batting second SS Benedickto Chiquita
As always the reliable Moose Seaman bats 3rd and is at 1B
Playing third base and batting clean up Heath Vottufsskeiru…always a mouthful, this young man with the Canadian mother and the Icelandic father who grew up in Winnipeg is proud of Icelandic heritage has corrected the pronunciation of his last name…it is to be pronounced in the Canadian silent K and the silent Icelandic F – Vottusru…So Heath Vottusru at 3rd base,.
In RF, Loquacious Johnson will bat 5th
Getting his first start of this young season, in LF the rookie, Carlos del Rio
The veteran Festis Sergeant will do the catching and bat seventh
2B Julio Julio is in the 8 hole
 Batting 9 the RHP Johnny ‘Stumps’ Herzog”

"Well Smuggs, lets see how Stumps handles the blue Jays. He’s got to keep the ball down and away from every hitter and stay ahead of them in the count. If his breaking ball is working it will be a long day for the Jays at the plate because he’ll nibble them to death

It was damn cold on the mound at PNC Park. Jesus Jones blew on his pitching hand and then rubbed the baseball up. Who would have ever guessed, the way the season had started – so many losses then, after the AS break, as if magic everything seemed to fall into place, Dirk was back, Carlos was in the running for ROY, Loquacious and Heath and even old Sarge were having great years. Stumps Herzog had won 19 games…and now Jesus Jones the perennial # 5 man in the rotation was called on to pitch the most important game of the year and his career, a one game playoff for the Central division championship.

In the stands on the 1st base side 10 rows up over the dugout sat Frannie Fantasia and her two old college friends Shelia Ashleigh and Cathy Obama…the three women were there to root on the team that they had followed since their freshman year together at Carnegie Mellon.

‘B.F. So what’s up with you and Heath girl? He is an incredible ballplayer, a real hunk and an highly motivated environmentalist- what we don’t know is: are you guys still in touch." asked Cathy Obama
"I don’t know what to say…we met – w went out a few times and I freaked a bit . I was working in NY and he’s on the road playing ball. But we’ve talked on the phone a couple times and emailed each other some. When he was in town 2 weeks ago…we went out to dinner…and it was nice" she replied
"Yeah..nice like you crawled into the sack and beat his brains out?" asked Shelia
"You are so graphic Shelia…Heath is a gentleman"
"Its not Heath that I was talking about, bitch"
The girls laughed as Shelia flagged down a Beerman and bought the first round.

Carlos had gotten the start today over the recovered Dirk Carvey…he was excited and nervous at the same time. There was talk of him as ROY and then there was Dirk’s anger after the confrontation…and then there was Caesar and Layne and their uneasy and unlikely truce, coming to the game tonight – together…

Heath looked over in the stands and saw her…he wanted to catch her eye or wave..but instead turned to Jesus Jones and hollered "
 Lets go get ‘em big guy".
Jones tugged his cap and stepped onto the rubber as the Red’s Drew Stubbs settled into the batter’s box. Jones let fly the 1st pitch and Stubbs drove it back up the middle but there was Julio Julio smothering the ball just before it hit the ground. 1 pitch – 1out.

In the home press box Marvin Smuggleman shook his head negatively.
"That ball was scorched, only a great play by Julio kept it from extra bases"
"You know Smuggs I’m thinking that Jesus didn’t believe that Stubbs would swing at the 1st pitch and was trying to get ahead on the count" interjected Chip Coupatty, Sugg’s colorful color analyst.

Meanwhile Moose Seaman crept in a bit from 3rd base as the Red’s SS Jannish was up. Jannish had struggled offensively and had been known to lay down a bunt on the 1st offering.
Jones reached back and hummed one in on the inside corner.
"Streeeeeryke" Called home plate umpire Rico Wong
Jannish looked back in disbelief
Pitch #2 was a floater right down the pike; Jannish swung early and almost fell down.
"Streeeeeryke 2"
Jones turned around and walked off the mound…he hitched trousers and flicked a touch Cortizone 10 onto his index finger from the inside of his belt.
he rubbed up the ball, stepped to rubber and struck out the batter with a wicked slider.’
Two down.
Joey Votto stepped in against Jones. Votto was on a very hot streak. Jones shook off catcher Festus Sergeant and then getting the high and tight fastball, nodded his OK.
Jones fired the heater directly at Votto…the ball broke back into the left handed batters shoulders and caught him square in the back.
"Take your base" called out Wong who glared at Jones.
‘Fucking pussy’ thought Jones as he proceeded to get Brandon Phillips to fly out to Robinson center to end the inning.

The 7th inning stretch of a 0 – 0 game and Laynce was beyond bored. Add that to the fact that he and Caesar had barely spoken and now his ‘date’ had been gone for 20 minutes. Laynce got out of his seat and trudged up the steps, wended his way to the men’s room and got in line to relieve himself. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Caesar’s flashy Italian shoes under the nearest stall door…he couldn’t tell for certain but it appeared that Caesar was not alone…
"Fuck this" said Laynce. He ran out of the men’s room and almost collided with a stadium security officer.
"Sir’
""What can i do for you? " the older white man with a paunch and a name tag that read Chester asked.
"There’s some shenanigan’s going on in the men’s room in the 3rd stall from the left wall…Homos…" He turned and ran back toward the exit with out looking back..
Chester stopped and thought about it for a moment and decided to leave it alone, he needed to get a dog and coke before his beeper went off again.

Jesus Jones pitched into the top of the 8th inning giving up no runs 3 hits and 4 walks, one a hit batsman. Jay Bruce was coming to bat.
On the Pirate dugout steps Rusty Potato turned to his pitching coach.
"Well. Duck…whattdoya think?"
"Skip, I I think Bruce is a hell of hitter…wish he played for us, but I don’t know where he’d play." responded Dickhouse.
"Christ Duck I mean about Jesus…think we should pull him and bring in Hunkabee?" asked Rusty
"You want me to go ask Jesus how he’s doing"
"Nah…forget it…" Potato called time and slowly walked to the mound looking at the ground on his trek out to take Jones out of the game. Half way out he lifted his left arm and pointed to the bull pen where Dean Hunkabee the lefty was warming up.
Bullpen coach Joe Price was giving Dean the go ahead sign when Hunkabee removed his cap and knelt on the bull pen mound and bowed his head in prayer…after a couple of moments he stood replaced his cap and strode out of bull pen onto the field to mounting cheers. Many fans had thought that Dean should have started this game but with only 3 days rest Rusty Potato had held him back for just this kind of situation.
Jones put the ball in the skipper’s hand and took a step…Rusty stopped him and leaned over spoke directly in his ear…great effort man, I’m proud of you"
"Thanks Skip"
"And Jesus…stay the fuck away from my daughter"
Rusty turned and handed the ball to Hunkabee.
Hunkabee got the job done. After two deep but foul fly balls into the right field upper deck…Bruce took and questionable pitch on the outside that Rico Wong called strike 3.
"Sir, that was ball…low and outside" muttered Bruce
Wong was immediately in his face…
"You bat and I’ll umpire and that way you get to stay in the game, kid..OK?"
Bruce said nothing more and walked toward the dugout to claim his glove.

Bottom of the 9th, 0 0 …La Ronne Robinson led off with a single to RF. Julio Julio fouled off 2 bunt attempts before stinging one to the left of Phillips who made a great play and with Jannish covering 2nd got Julio out in only the 3rd twin killing that Julio had hit into all year.
Moose Seaman was 3rd up in the inning. On the mound for the Reds – CoCo Cordero who had had a career year with 48 saves. Cordero’s first pitch was on the outside corner.
“Streeeeeryke”
Moose stepped out and took a swing then right back into the box.
The next pitch was high for a ball… The following offering again high…
…ball 2 strike 1. Moose lived for this kind of confrontation.
He moved up slightly in the box and stared out at Cordero.
The next pitch was a fastball right in his wheelhouse and he connected driving the ball deep but foul into the left field stands.
Cordero again came in high and tight…full count…
Moose took his time and adjusted his helmet and batting gloves and climbed back in for another pitch. Cordero unleashed a low humming 96 mph fast ball and Moose went down on it. He yanked a hot shot right up the middle curving into left center – this ball was in the gap. Moose was humping…he slid into 2b safely. The winning run was in scoring position.

Red’s manager Dusty Baker was on his way to the mound.
"Hey, Coco..who do you want to face Heath or Johnson?"
"What do you tink’ Dudsy?"
"Well Heath is a righty and Loquacious is a lefty….who you want"
"I peeeetch to the faggot boy…"
"Don’t give him nothing to drive…we’ve got 1st base open…"
"OK Skeeeper…maybe I do a Jesus on him and hit him"
"That’s a plan big guy…go get ‘em’
"Who do you want me to peeetch to Skeep.."
"I though you wanted Heath? Unless of course you’d rather have shot a Johns..’
Fuck you Skeep…Go back to the fucking dugout…I peetch you manage"

"Well Smuggs, Dusty was out there quite a while with Cordero, I’m guessing he wanted to make certain that CoCo doesn’t throw the ball away on the intentional walk said Coupatty in the booth
"Well, Chip wrong again as it appears that they’re going to pitch to Heath Vottufsskeiru, leading the league in on base per centage for the this season and has a batting average of .324, 44 home runs, 29 walks and 111 rbis…I don’t know what Baker is thinking but this could be the biggest Pirate AB in 18 years…"

Cordero leaned over on the mound his arm dangling preparing for his first pitch
Bubbles Fantasia stood and locked arms with Cathy and Shelia and leaned forward in anticipation
Rusty Potato stood on the next to the top step of the dug out and leaned on the rail watching tensely.
Dusty Baker leaned on the end of the bat rack and watch his All Star closer.
Caesar leaned over the brass bed foot board and eagerly awaited the offering of his new friend, Irwin ‘Machinehead’ Khaldoun.

Cordero rocked and fired.
High – Ball one…Heath watched th ball back into Cordero’s glove.
Heath did not move. .ball two… high and tight.
Again Heath stood stock still in the batter’s box -.low and away …ball three.
Cordero rubbed the ball up and walked to the back of the mound. He dangled his pitching arm in front of him and as bent at the waist. Just as he began his windup heath called Time Out …" and stepped out on Cordero.

In the stands Frannie stood stock still …she knew that she was going to be with Heath, he was the one and suddenly she called out over the din of the crowd "Hit it baby.. hit it into the river"
Heath turned slightly and and almost imperceptibly nodded in her direction.
Cordero brought the next pitch in a 98 mph right down the middle.
‘Steeeeeeeeeeryke 1"
3 – 1 the hitter’s count.
Cordero let loose with a nasty slider down and away and Heath hacked at it weakly.

‘Well it comes down to this Chip, 3 balls 2 strikes and Codero appears to be on his game" Marvin Smuggleman intoned’
"Heath looks a little over matched. but hey he can still pull a walk out of this’ replied Coupatty.

Heath called time and backed out of the box. The volume of the crowd was the loudest he’d ever heard, yet at the same time he barely noticed it. He turned and scanned the crow until he saw her. He lifted the bat and pointed towards the Left field upper deck. He turned and got back into the box; he settled and focused as he’d never focused before as Cordero readied himself to pitch.
Coco Cordero bought the ball up over his head and reached back fired a high hard one right down the center,,
"Heet this if you can American Fag"
As ball left Cordero’s hand Heath Vottufsskeiru strode towards the mound and began a mighty swing….

 

 

 

 

 

 

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