I was once again able to get some time with the Radiotron XT 4099, which you may remember is equipped with the latest in HD radio technology capable of receiving broadcasts from all around space-time. Much like the Palomar Observatory at CalTech, the Radiotron has a backlog of lab time requests stretching years into the future. Everyone from government scientists to eccentric billionaires has requested lab time with the device. Lucky for you, I have an in with one of the fellas over at Radiotron Amalgamated Laboratories and Facilities (RALF) and am able to get lab time pretty much whenever I want. While others might use the Radiotron to foresee and avoid global conflicts or try to game the stock market, we here at the Red Reposter News Bureau feel duty-bound to bring you the future news of your favorite baseball team.
Here is a broadcast I was able to pick up from some time in July, 2015:
...which if true, could mean compulsory military service will be enjoyed by children as young as 11. Hmm, they will really enjoy that, won't they Bill?
- You betcha, Sarah. Moving on now to sports, the Reds have held a commanding lead in the NL Central all year since starting the season on a 90-game winning streak, but the Boys in Red are not letting up over the All-Star Break. The team will be making the trip to RijoSaboCaseyWKRP Field (neé Citi Field) for the Midsummer Classic. Reds outfielder and Team Generalissimo Jay Bruce: "I'm so honored to be chosen to go to the All-Star Game and Festival to Celebrate and Honor the Fans, especially since General Viceroy RijoSaboCaseyWKRP has given us such a better game to play. Everything is so much better now that he is running baseball, for us the players and especially for the Fans. I'm really looking forward to participating in the wheel barrow race again this year. Drew Stubbs and I won it last year and we are really excited to defend our title. I've been in the weight room quite a bit lately to build up my calves so he'll have something meatier to hold on to."
Attendance at and viewership of the ASG&FtCaHtF have skyrocketed since finally being fixed by General Viceroy RijoSaboCaseyWKRP, who as we all know was appointed as General Viceroy on First Freedom Day three years ago. Rising from humble beginnings as a gentle blog administrator, the GV has revolutionized the game of baseball since taking the reins. Baseball was hopeless under the supervision of the Ancien Régime, with old near-sighted commissioner Selig and his cronies oppressing the Fans and controlling baseball for their own profit. The GV was the only one brave enough to stand up to the injustice, leading the Revolution of the Fans and winning the Day of First Freedom. And for that we the Fans are all compulsorily grateful.
The General Viceroy's hometown Reds have shined under his leadership, winning the last 3 World Series and losing only one game during that stretch (the one loss was to the now-defunct Milwaukee Brewers, who mysteriously disappeared just hours after the game). Outfielders Jay Bruce and Drew Stubbs, as well as first baseman Joey Votto are the only players to ever be elected to the Hall of Fame as active players, and their play on the field has been instrumental in the Reds unparalleled run of excellence.
As for the ASG&FtCaHtF, the schedule of Fan Festivities is to be released tomorrow morning. The game itself will be Sunday the 11th, with the first pitch scheduled to be thrown at 3:14 PM by the General Viceroy himself. The results of the Fan Vote for pregame Fan Festivities (all entries were chosen by the GV himself) will be released along with the schedule tomorrow, but many expect fan favorites the slam dunk contest, wheel barrow race, and player caricature drawing seminar to easily make the cut. Other activities on the ballot are the truth-telling contest, Jocks vs. Joes softball game, cussing contest, flonkerton, basket-weaving seminar with hall of famer Barry Larkin, and new entries pool party with the players, go-cart races, and pig wrangling competition. Reds shortstop Hanley Ramirez has been personally lobbying the Fans to vote for the go-cart races. "I love racing the go-carts. I've been practicing most mornings down at the track the GV built for me when I came to Cincinnati, so I really think I have a chance to win this. Joey (Votto) thinks he's some kind of a Dale Earnhardt or some shit, but I spun his ass out the other day. Rubbin' is racin'!"
Tickets to this weekends' events are free to all Fans, as always. All hail, 'KRP!
Something to look forward to, I guess.