Bardzilla vs. jch24 - Guess who won?
by jch24 on Jun 12, 2009 1:06 AM EDT
56 comments
Tonight's stop on the local burger tour was the legendary Bard's Burgers in Latonia, KY. Bard's is home to the Bardzilla challenge, which dares a patron to down TEN 1/3 pound patties and cheese along with a pound of fries. I was nominated to take on the beast against my will. But you know what?
They have poutine. WIN. Here's my story.
The night started with me and Ash being early arrivals as usual, with obc, Slyde, and BK showing thereafter. Since Bard's doesn't serve alcohol we met at Goodtimers II next door, where I had five beers or so. In retrospect this was a very poor strategy. But at the end of the night, you know what? I became #8 to take down Bardzilla. SPECK.
The Bardzilla challenge rules state that you have to finish it all in an hour or less, and you can't leave. They cut me some slack here when I had to go pee twice. (five beers beforehand, remember?)
As I stated in the meetup thread, I was leaning toward not taking the challenge because, well, it's retarded to do that to yourself. Unfortunately for me and my blind pride, Slyde decided he too would take the challenge. Halfway through he informed the crowd that he never had any intention of making a run at the monster but rather he ordered it to force me to man up. What can I say? The man knows me. :)
We had very few witnesses, but everyone who wasn't taking the challenge seemed to be full of theories. Bunch of armchair quarterbacks, I tell ya. "Oh, you're drinking too much soda", "What are you doing texting on your phone?", "Don't take a break, that will doom you!". Easy to say when you're not the one shoving over three pounds of meat and cheese into your maw.
Everyone orders (You guys are gonna have to fill in the blanks as I was writing out my will in my head and have no idea what everyone else had) and after a short time the food comes out. You wanna see hell on a plate?
I was foolishly confident at this point. I would soon be put in my place by grilled beef.
I can't competently comment on the characteristics of the burgers at Bard's because I was far more focused on destroying my colon. All I know is that when it came out and I started, the patties were really hot. My strategy was to attack the beast by taking off the top bun and peeling off the patties one by one until I got it to a workable level. I ate the first eight patties in this fashion before throwing the bun back on and being left with a double cheeseburger and fries. Here's a shot of when I had finished three patties and was starting on #4:
And after downing #7:
It's hard to believe with that kind of cuteness I haven't been snatched up yet, AMIRITE?
Anyway, at this point the train started to slow a bit. I was getting full. And not the "Oh I don't think I need to eat any more tonight" full, but "Okay, my stomach is starting to visually starting to protrude" full. This is where things got tough. Upon finishing patty number eight, BK looks on amused:
I'll be honest, at this point it was getting ugly. So I took a break and wore my napkin as a hat while sipping Diet Coke:
The double cheeseburger and fries were HELL. I was beyond full but there was no turning back at this point. I had to get up and walk around, I started getting a little dizzy, I wanted to die. You know, my normal Thursday night minus the beer. I eventually choked down the double though and was left with the fries, 15 minutes to go. My greatest opponent to date.
I couldn't eat the fries. COULDN'T. I was dead in the water, every time I ate a little more I started getting nauseous. This is where the rules came into play - You only have to clear your plate in the hour, not get them down. Cheap? Sure. Life saving? Absolutely.
So once my stomach regained its composure I shoved stuff into my mouth like no other. Well except maybe Paris Hilton. (Paris Hilton jokes are still cool right?)
My second most favorite pic of the night:
God was shining on me while my eyes rolled back in my head. Awesome.
I got the fries in my mouth, won the prize. The problem moment occurred when everyone whooped it up and I started to smile, pushing the fries to the back of my throat. BAD IDEA. I bolted to the bathroom and got rid of the fries. (no barfing, that comes later.)
Thank God for loopholes, I got my free shirt:
Because my camera sucks and people don't take good pics, I'll tell you what it says: "Bard's Burgers - You can't beat our meat!". Perfect.
At this point we made a victorious exit from Bard's and headed to Legend's next door, making a quick stop in Goodtimers II to let them know I conquered the beast.
At Legends we had some beers and upon starting beer #2, I felt a rumbly in my tumbly. I excused myself and deposited approximately 1-2 burgers into the men's room stall. After that I was fine. Tomorrow morning? I make no promises. Could someone call and check on me please? Or at least preemptively send a plumber to my house?
OK guys, it's on you now. Fill in the blanks, I'm going to take an antacid.
Full set of pics can be found HERE.
5 recs |
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Diet Coke, eh?
Yes, that should keep you healthy. Don’t need all that extra sugar and all.
Seriously, JCH, great job. And a million rec’s to Slyde for totally basically calling your ass out and getting you to do it.
Eighty-five percent of the f*ckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A f*ckin' playground for the cocks*ckers.
-Lee Elia on Cubs fans
by Farneyismycopilot on Jun 12, 2009 1:14 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Looking over the pics, do I really have a second chin or is it because pics of me are usually taken from below?
"It seems as if every mistake I've ever made in life I've had an erection in one hand and a Bud Light in the other."
by jch24 on Jun 12, 2009 1:32 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Wow
That was epic. Can we get a day after summary too?
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. --Oscar Wilde
by JD Arney on Jun 12, 2009 3:19 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I hope so
If I make it, I’ll let everyone know I’m still alive. :)
Believe it or no, I was fine immediately after yarfing. I came home and did laundry, washed dishes, and dusted. All while having a couple of beers. :)
"It seems as if every mistake I've ever made in life I've had an erection in one hand and a Bud Light in the other."
by jch24 on Jun 12, 2009 3:22 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
This is a significant event when JD shows up and confers his blessings!!!
Sweat plus sacrifice equals another useless out. Mads
by Madville on Jun 12, 2009 3:53 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Holy cow
You ate the whole cow.
I’m in awe.
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 12, 2009 6:22 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
As the only other person in the group who attempted the challenge
Let me say that what jch did beyond impressive. You see, the thing about the challenge is that it’s not the getting full that gets you, it’s the fact that your body knows that it really shouldn’t eat 3 pounds of meat in one sitting and it starts to react strangely once it realizes what you are attempting. After burger #4, both of us had decided that the burgers start to take on a different flavor, and not a very good one at that. That’s about when your body starts to rebel against you. (granted, I was on burger #4 when Jeremy was on burger #8). So, the fact that he managed to carry on beyond that point is a definite feat of strength. I was only able to take one more burger down before I started gagging. Needless to say, I’m in awe of Jeremy’s accomplishment.
To give you another perspective, toward the end of the challenge there was a group of 4 that came in, 3 of whom were very large men (pushing 3 bills). One of the guys had tried the challenge previously and only managed to down 5 burgers and the fries before folding. This guy easily had 100 pounds on Jeremy and could barely do half the effort.
He truly is a man among men.
"It seems like we're not hitting because we're not getting hits." - Dusty being Dusty
by Slyde on Jun 12, 2009 6:59 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Ah, but Slyde
You are the one who has leftovers for a week, while Jeremy is stuck buying new groceries and toilet cleaner. Who, then, is the true winner?
by Brendanukkah on Jun 12, 2009 8:08 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
my leftovers weighed over a pound.
and this was after eating a pound and a half of food.
"It seems like we're not hitting because we're not getting hits." - Dusty being Dusty
by Slyde on Jun 12, 2009 8:22 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I've noticed
That the winners of eating contests are often skinny guys. Or women – that chick who’s always winning eating contests weighs in at about 110 lbs. Supposedly, being lean gives your stomach more room to expand.
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 12, 2009 10:10 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Are you talking about Sonya Thomas?
She lives in my town.
by Brendanukkah on Jun 12, 2009 10:18 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
yes, her
She’s weighed in as low as 99 lbs.
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 12, 2009 12:29 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
the only woman to complete the Bardzilla weighed 130 pounds or so, according to our waitress
and she was smiling the whole time she ate it.
"It seems like we're not hitting because we're not getting hits." - Dusty being Dusty
by Slyde on Jun 12, 2009 10:31 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
holy guacamole
That would have been something to see.
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 12, 2009 12:30 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I always thought it was just a metabolism thing
I usually eat 4-5 meals a day. The most I’ve ever done at once is either BD’s Mongolian or two Ray’s Hell Burgers, but I’ll have to keep an eye on this Bards place next time I’m in Cincy. I’m a sucker for a challenge
by Cy Schourek on Jun 12, 2009 11:05 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
oh, and as I say that
mad daps to you, jch, for accomplishing that. Note that I said “challenge” not “victory”
by Cy Schourek on Jun 12, 2009 11:08 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
BTW
I think you need to clean off your lens on your camera.
"It seems like we're not hitting because we're not getting hits." - Dusty being Dusty
by Slyde on Jun 12, 2009 7:09 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
That made me check the camera
And that stupid setting was wrong again. D’oh!
"It seems as if every mistake I've ever made in life I've had an erection in one hand and a Bud Light in the other."
by jch24 on Jun 12, 2009 2:32 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Well done dude,
I’ve never met you, but I have great respect for such a feat.
My favorite picture is the one of the whole burger before you started eating. Looks like the dude in the background has attempted the challenge a few times as well.
Isn't there a slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?
by nycredsfan on Jun 12, 2009 8:28 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
this really had to be seen to be fully appreciated
*the dudes who weighed three bills all ordered the half-bardzilla this time, as did the woman who was with them. i have to say that was fairly impressive. Did i mention the half-Bard is only $8? Ridiculous!!!
*i have to give it up to our waitress she definitely helped encourgage our boy to make it to the finish line. she also pretty much dropped the dime on the loophole. we lurv her!
*i was disappointed that the Who Dey Rippers were out of stock last night. What is that? its a fried sausage with onions and peppers and cheese, i think, on the inside! The night was topped off with deep fried zingers and oreos. i regretted not getting the fried twinkie. ah, next time.
*Ash said, repeatedly, she would take the Bardzilla challenge whenever. WHENEVER. TOMORROW. LET’S DO IT. (she spoke loudly) For all those who missed last night’s epic food battle it seems that there is a new challenger. So get with Ash and plan an evening of consuming mass quantites of fresh beef from the butcher. No spices!
"We're going to Adonis, son"
jch24
by obc2 on Jun 12, 2009 9:01 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Did anybody try a Ripper?
Apparently it’s a deep-fried hot dog wrapped in bacon.
Oh, and while googling this place, I ended up here, which might interest some of you people.
Let me write out a formal proof for you.
by Gray on Jun 12, 2009 9:41 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Ash, BK, and obc all had rippers
I would have tried it, but I was already damaging my internal organs.
"It seems like we're not hitting because we're not getting hits." - Dusty being Dusty
by Slyde on Jun 12, 2009 9:50 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah, it was amazing.
It was about 100 times better than I expected it to be.
"We, as for me all seasons you are affected peculiarly in the edge of my seat and are happy concerning the fact that the Adam Dunn fan has been mixed up exactly." - Reynard-san
by BK on Jun 12, 2009 3:13 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
WANT. WANT. WANT. WANT. WANT.
Eighty-five percent of the f*ckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A f*ckin' playground for the cocks*ckers.
-Lee Elia on Cubs fans
by Farneyismycopilot on Jun 12, 2009 3:14 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
really?
It sounds pretty awful to me. Was it fried bun and all? Or was it served in a bun after being fried?
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 12, 2009 4:46 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Served on bread, that I think was toasted
and honestly, I had no idea what I was in for when I ordered it. I figured it would taste like a normal hot dog, but it was seriously badassly good. I’d recommend it.
"We, as for me all seasons you are affected peculiarly in the edge of my seat and are happy concerning the fact that the Adam Dunn fan has been mixed up exactly." - Reynard-san
by BK on Jun 12, 2009 4:49 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
if I'm ever in the area
Maybe I’ll give it a try. Even though I don’t much like hotdogs or deep fried things.
After reading this FanPost, I may never eat another hamburger again. And I like hamburgers…
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 12, 2009 4:56 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
did anyone have
the poutine?
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 12, 2009 10:11 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Yeah, that was my other question.
But I wouldn’t go to Kentucky for poutine, that’s for certain…
Let me write out a formal proof for you.
by Gray on Jun 12, 2009 10:15 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
the owner is a former executive chef
the place is the real deal. it serves “simple” food but its cooked properly and there are enough unique side dishes to make it a cant miss establishment.
"We're going to Adonis, son"
jch24
by obc2 on Jun 12, 2009 10:44 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
and just about everything is deep fried
"It seems like we're not hitting because we're not getting hits." - Dusty being Dusty
by Slyde on Jun 12, 2009 10:49 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
they have salad with homemade dressing (made daily)
and grilled chicken breast
"We're going to Adonis, son"
jch24
by obc2 on Jun 12, 2009 10:58 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
the cheese curds
have to be fresh. It’s just not the same otherwise. I suppose there must be dairy farms in Kentucky.
I wonder if Joey Votto has ever had the poutine at this place? He’s a Canuck. And his dad was a chef. I bet he knows his poutine.
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 12, 2009 4:50 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
he's a pretty good lookin' fella
i would bet he knows his poutine.
How YOU doin’?
by Charlie Scrabbles on Jun 12, 2009 4:56 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
mmmm
Wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating poutine.
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 12, 2009 5:03 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
COUTLANGUS JOKE!!!!!!!!!
ahhhhhh i miss him so much….
by Charlie Scrabbles on Jun 12, 2009 5:04 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
We realized after the meal that we had forgotten to get the poutine
"It seems like we're not hitting because we're not getting hits." - Dusty being Dusty
by Slyde on Jun 12, 2009 10:32 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
For the record
there has been no movement of the bowels as of 12:12 pm.
any predictions?
"We're going to Adonis, son"
jch24
by obc2 on Jun 12, 2009 12:12 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Thanks for the update?
Let me write out a formal proof for you.
by Gray on Jun 12, 2009 12:34 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
damn thorough journalism
And by now anyone who clicks on an OBC or JCH fanpost does so at their own risk.
"We're going to Adonis, son"
jch24
by obc2 on Jun 12, 2009 12:45 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
5:02 PM
"We, as for me all seasons you are affected peculiarly in the edge of my seat and are happy concerning the fact that the Adam Dunn fan has been mixed up exactly." - Reynard-san
by BK on Jun 12, 2009 3:14 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I hope not, considering I'll be in the car
"It seems as if every mistake I've ever made in life I've had an erection in one hand and a Bud Light in the other."
by jch24 on Jun 12, 2009 3:31 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
No one expects the Bardzilla inquisition
"We, as for me all seasons you are affected peculiarly in the edge of my seat and are happy concerning the fact that the Adam Dunn fan has been mixed up exactly." - Reynard-san
by BK on Jun 12, 2009 3:36 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Looks like this made Mo's blog
Sweet, thanks Mo.
"It seems as if every mistake I've ever made in life I've had an erection in one hand and a Bud Light in the other."
by jch24 on Jun 12, 2009 3:57 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
all over a few pics of a dude scarfing burgers?!?
damn. doesnt the photographer get any credit : )
"We're going to Adonis, son"
jch24
by obc2 on Jun 12, 2009 5:11 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Color me impressed!!
Reds fan for 40 years!
by gejoe on Jun 12, 2009 4:11 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
This entire 'adventure' is more than this old man can process...
jch is turning Hanky
Sweat plus sacrifice equals another useless out. Mads
by Madville on Jun 12, 2009 4:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
This is just for JCH
Eighty-five percent of the f*ckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A f*ckin' playground for the cocks*ckers.
-Lee Elia on Cubs fans
by Farneyismycopilot on Jun 12, 2009 5:20 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Ensure and Hennessy cocktail vs. jch24 - Guess who won?
Me, $1. jch forgot the Ensure.
"Sir, can you please put your pants back on?"
by Ash on Jun 12, 2009 11:31 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Rating
i forgot to toss down a ranking for Bards.
TTC averaged 92.
915 averaged 74
I’d put Bards in between those two. Lets say a solid 85.
"We're going to Adonis, son"
jch24
by obc2 on Jun 14, 2009 5:05 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Meaty luxury for your taste buds
The world’s most expensive hamburgers
Mallie’s Sports Bar, located in the Detroit suburbs, admits that there is ‘absolutely no reason’ anyone should eat their 150 lb. Absolutely Ridiculous Burger, which sells for a cool $499. Nonetheless, the bar will prepare one on 72 hours’ notice for a hungry party. Mallie’s also promises that any team of 30 people or less who finishes their burger in an hour will not be charged for the burger. For diners not bringing entire workplaces in tow, a still-considerable two-thirds-pound double burger goes for $8.99.
The article includes a slideshow, which has some less expensive burgers. Notably, the Fifth Third Burger.
A 1.66-pound beef patty is topped with Mexican-American toppings including salsa, sour cream, chili and Fritos corn chips for hungry fans to share. There have even been some reports of solo baseball fans eating a whole burger by themselves.
All Things Bubba: Because how can you not love a baseball player named Bubba?
by BubbaFan on Jun 15, 2009 12:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
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