I don't sleep.
I have had something of a sleeping disorder for what I suspect has been all of my life. I remember my mother becoming angry because I slept so late, but honestly, even as a kid, I had trouble getting out of bed because I hadn't slept the night before. The sleep paralysis and the vivid dreams I have when I finally drift off has led some doctors to suggest I have narcolepsy, but the process to diagnose such a disorder is lengthy and expensive, so I have never had an official diagnosis. Narcolepsy is the inability for a body to regulate sleep cycles. Most people who suffer from this disorder are cursed by the symptom of following asleep at random times, but I don't really have that problem, though I have been known on occassion to zone out. It's the insomnia that dulls my mind. So it's 3am and I am still awake with no sleep in sight, I've been thinking about the worst songs from the nineties. We named a bunch of crappy songs:
What If God Was One of Us (subjunctive, anyone?) by Joan Osborne
Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? by Paul Cole
Freshmen by The Verve Pipe
Meet Virginia by Train
Those Aerosmith songs that all sound the same
Achy Breaky Heart
Color Me Bad
Step by Step
Mambo No. 5
I'll Be There for You by The Rembrants (Friends theme)
Everything Zen by bush
That Candlebox Song
How Bizarre by OMC
I Want You by Savage Garden
Real Big Fish
Ace of Base
There were others, but I don't remember them and don't feel like looking them up again. I'd like to add "I'm Blue da da dee" by Eiffel sixtysomething and anything by the Spin Doctors and All Star by Smash Mouth and Crash Test Dummies' Mmm mmm mmm and Mmm Bop and oh my god it's all coming back to me now! (That song, too.)
All of this terrible music got me thinking, what are the ten worst songs of all time? What are my ten least favorite songs? What songs really make me cringe? It was tough to pick just ten, and I realized just how many crappy songs are out there. I mean, nearly all the shit that gets radio play these days is garbage and all that American Idol stuff is computer generated, but crap pop is nothing new. Think Styx. Think Rush. Think Boston. I mean, "More Than a Feeling" is considered by many to be a "classic" song, but it's one of the worst songs evah. People who still listen to that garbage, who see it on iTunes' "guilty pleasures" and buy it are people who probably will go out and buy the new Camero.
My list for top ten worst songs evah includes:
Ironic by Alanis Morrisett because nothing in the song is Ironic
I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meatloaf - for the longest time I didn't know what "that" was.
Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue by Toby Keith - if he was so angry about 9/11, why didn't he join the military and fight instead of putting out this racist crap?
I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston - don't get that wail into your head. It won't go away.
The Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler - this song is cringe worthy.
We Are the World - the money they raised for this crappy song wasn't enough to keep up with the pace of debt for African countries. As god awful as this song is, at least twenty years later people have learned that aid doesn't work without economic development and debt relief.
Ebony and Ivory by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder - seriously, two music greats does not make a right.
Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus - Yeah, I think everyone can agree on this.
Mickey by someone who shouldn't have had a record contract. Oh Mickey, you're so fine you blow my mind and my eardrums.
We Built This City by Starship - quite possibly the worst song ever recorded. I like how they complain about "someone always changing corporation names" though they'd changed their band name three times.
So what are your top ten worst songs of all time? Because there are so many crap songs to choose from, I've established some rules:
1. Had to be a "hit" song, meaning it can't be something obscure that no one's heard of
2. Don't confuse horrible song for overplayed. A lot of decent songs are ruined by overplay, but that doesn't make them bad songs.
3. That's it. If I made any typos it's because it's 3am and my eyes are burning from no sleep and staring at this screen.