Large Intestine

by Paul Householder on Aug 3, 2007 12:36 PM EDT

Why do people love baseball? I love baseball because I can watch players that loaf all the time and don't care at all and even suck doing it. I like players with "large intestine," not heart.

The difference is that I only care about those who don't care for the game, or the ones who are too good for practice. I don't care about the ones who care enough to give the fans what they paid for, effort. No. Give me the guy who loafs and doesn't care, because those who do care sometimes rely on heart, but if you have a heart, you might not get ahead, and if you get ahead, you might win by a nose, and if you win by a nose, you can avoid defeat, and if you avoid defeat, you might get Coutlangus...

Chicks dig hustle and dirty uniforms. We have all heard that saying. Well, I dig the loafer who sucks at what he does. I love the players who don't care about what people think about them and just have the courage, the large intestine, to let it all hang out in the end and say to the fans, "Screw you. I know I suck, but I make more money than you can ever even dream of seeing, and I am really going to hurt your favorite ballclub." That's the power of large intestine for you. I want someone who will never risk injury and give his 20% and furthermore suck and hurt the team doing it. Is that too much to ask? Those that don't care will be forever admired by baseball fans like me. Baseball players who are great players, but who do care will be loved by millions. I guess those players would rather be loved by millions. But, could you imagine if those great players didn't care? They could singlehandedly sink an entire season for a team. How great they could be.

I will leave you with one final thought. The hustle players get by with the talent and hustle that God gave them, but it takes a truly great man to just skate by with the minimum and sow dissension in a clubhouse. Those are the true warriors get by with what God gave us all, large intestine.

Poll

What would you rather have?

The player who goes out every day and gives their best effort and does everything they can to win but does not belong on a major-league roster (e.g., Juan Castro).

1 votes

The player who doesn't care about wins and losses but also sucks and does not belong on a major-league roster (e.g., Royce Clayton).

1 votes

The pitcher who goes out every day and gives their best effort and gives up five runs every other time he pitches in the eighth inning (e.g., Todd Coffey).

0 votes

A blow to the head.

4 votes

A poke in the eye.

2 votes

Nice choices. Go ahead and skew the poll even more by adding "boobs" as a choice.

13 votes

21 votes | Poll has closed

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Comments

i voted for royce clayton!

His ATDS ((ascending colon - transverse colon) mod descending colon)^sigmoid is less than one.

LESS THAN ONE, PEOPLE. Do you have ANY idea how significant that is in the context of the history of the game?

Everybody's a jerk. You. Me. This jerk.

by andromache on Aug 3, 2007 1:06 PM EDT reply actions

I do not less than three Royce Clayton

</3

by Brendanukkah on Aug 3, 2007 1:22 PM EDT up reply actions

>=3?

by Gray on Aug 3, 2007 2:16 PM EDT up reply actions

>=3

Looks like an emoticon with angry eyebrows and a killer mustache.

Everybody's a jerk. You. Me. This jerk.

by andromache on Aug 3, 2007 2:22 PM EDT up reply actions

ohhhhhhhhh

that one took way too much thinking to figure out. get it, guys, he's drawing a slash through a heart emoticon and then expressing it in pseudo-mathematical fashion. maybe a little too clever.

Marty may have a shirt on, but Billy Beane just ripped his off and is squeezing his nipples. - Brendan's ukkah

by boobs on Aug 3, 2007 2:35 PM EDT up reply actions