As we wait for the DEADLINE

I am digressing to offer the much asked 12 Rules For A Happy Marriage. Hopefully this will be a helpful distraction from the anxiety of having the future of the REDS in Sweaterpants' hands.

These are the 1st six. note that this is an edited and condensed version.

I have received permission to print the revised 2007-8 25 Rules for A Happy Marriage.

The new revision has condensed the rules into a more concise 12 RULES for A Happy Marriage. This was done because many wives (especially 1st. time Brides) felt that the content was to overwhelming for their male counterparts.

RULE#1 - The Woman is ultimately in charge, but only when she sees it is necessary.

The Woman's Predicament - Men think they're supposed to lead. They have an underdeveloped sense of sharing responsibilities and they don't communicate well. If we're going to be in this together then he will need to step it up.

The Man's response - "Let me tell you what `you' think I should do." By doing this the man thinks he's leading and the woman gets stuff done the right way.
COMMENTARY - The man will never get this so there's nothing to comment on.

RULE#2 - Do Not Stare at any other woman who is younger, sexier, or in any way superficially or remotely attractive at any time, EVER.

The Woman's predicament - Men are dogs. They will screw anything with tits.

The Man's response - Honey' Here is my dick; I'll only need it when you're in the mood.
COMMENTARY - Note: When looking at her younger sister's pert bottom, ask yourself is this really worth it.

RULE#3 - Always tell the truth except when you should not.

The Woman's predicament - Men are dogs. They lie about bullshit things like when asked if they put the towels on the bathroom towel rack properly. But then they are cruel when asked a simple question like "Do these shorts make me look fat."

The Man's response - "Damn babe those shorts = impure thoughts about your ass."
COMMENTARY - Men are dogs.

RULE#4 - Know where you are going before getting a car with her.

The Woman's predicament - Men are incapable of carrying on a conversation while listening to the game and driving. Plus they usually take the wrong route.

The Man's response -Honey' Here is my dick, just let me know when I need it
COMMENTARY - This would a great time a man to have a temporary lobotomy coupled with a MLB satellite feed directly to his brain.

RULE#5 - Playing `Small Ball Marriage" the right way. That's not the right way -  why can't you just listen?

The Woman's predicament - Men are inherently slobs and incompetent when asked to share daily responsibilities.

The Man's response - `That's right you do like to have your underwear folded in thirds on the bias, and have them arranged in the left hand side of the second drawer of the lingerie chest by color." I'll do better next time.
COMMENTARY - The only straight guy on the planet who is properly orderly and concise enough about the care of his or his family's clothing is Ken Griffey Jr.

RULE#6 - Keeping Score

The woman's predicament - Men think that because they do something that already should have been done last week that they should get points. Points are rewarded using a simple but alien formula of inverse Boolian algebra and are points able to held in reserve by the woman only. Women can `bank' their points as they have to do everything anyway.

The Man's response - "Is there anything else we (you) need get done tonight, Baby?"
COMMENTARY - Rule#6  is very difficult for men to grasp. This is because they tend to play games like football, basketball and hockey which have childlike rules. Although many women also play and follow high level athletics, they have the ability to see the broader picture and are therefore able to relate the ramifications of the infield fly rule as it relates to an off sides on a corner kick - while at the same time talking to three friends about another friend's wedding and texting their mother on the phone. This conceptual multitasking gift also allows them to understand the rules concerning `points' in a marriage on a level that men will never grasp.

RULE#7 - Do not confuse Sex with Sexy, Sex w/ Romance, Sex w/ Sensual or Sex w/ Love.

The Woman's predicament - Men are dogs. Just because the man thinks your outfit is sexy doesn't mean he's going to get any tonight. If he brings flowers or makes dinner, it doesn't mean that she owes him a conjugal visit, Just because she's standing in the bathroom with only a towel on and is powdering and spraying  her body with great tactile and aromatic potions does not mean she wants to have sex. Love is what she needs and deserves, love is cuddling, kissing and playing and then being allowed to go to sleep while he is left in a state of semi-permanent suspension.

The man's response - While brushing her hair or giving her a 45 minute back rub try thinking about the 1961 Reds - how many starting players can you name, who did they play in the world series, name all the pitchers etc. Do this while, at the same time, listening to her make whimpering sounds while listening to her favorite music.
COMMENTARY - This would a great time a man to have a temporary lobotomy coupled with an ESPN/ MLB wiifi feed directly to his brain.

RULE#8 - The correct relationship with In-laws.

The Woman's predicament - His mother is a whiner who has no taste and a fat ass. His father stares at her tits. Her mother thinks he is a loser and her father thinks he's gay.

The man's response - This is touchy situation, it is vital for the man to be able to be empathetic with her `frustration' with his family - while not alienating her family.
COMMENTARY - It is important for the man to not hit on her younger sister. And not make cracks about her mother's ridiculous hair style. He should insistently suggest that his entire family move to Borneo.

RULE#8 - Finances is a shared responsibility.

The Woman's predicament - He doesn't make enough money to support her at the level to which she is accustomed. Therefore she constantly has to overdraw her account and max out her credit cards, which compounds his problem. Add to that the she had to `borrow' money from Mom and Dad to be able to buy her 325i and get a decent house in a decent neighborhood. She only makes $33,500 and needs all of that just to cover the basics. A hair appointment with facial, nails, pedicure and tanning cost $225 for God's sake. If we're going to be in this together then he will need to step up to the plate.

The man's response - He doesn't understand why a combined income of $82,500 a year is not enough to make ends meet. She has separate accounts for checking and credit so he needs to ready to pay his share for her bills.  This is good time for him to consider getting a second job at Kroger's on Monday nights restocking the shelves.
COMMENTARY - Separate hampers, separate ironing and washing of clothes and separate bank accounts = Awareness by the man that if they are going to be in this thing together than he'd better be prepared to accept the necessary training to `play small ball marriage and do "it" the right way'. The facts are that he can never complete his share of responsibilities correctly. She has no other recourse but to sigh and tell him that it is not her fault that he can't keep the `finances' (or fill in the blank) straight.

RULE #9 - Here Come the kids.

The woman's predicament - She has given up her cute body, her freedom and her pretty much her entire life to raise his kids. He wants to go the game, hang out with his buddies and watch TV. She has had to pick the kids up at daycare and bring home the KFC and get the rest of the dinner together.  He can't even change the baby's diaper correctly. How did she get into this mess?

The man's response - He needs to do his share of taking care of the kids. This means that although he is working 12-15 hours overtime a week, plus stocking the shelves at Kroger's on Monday nights - he's going to have to step up to the plate to give her that much needed break.
COMMENTARY - Hang in there, the kid thing only lasts for about 25 years and there is only around 6 to 10 overlapping years of teenage hormonal hysteria before you have to start borrowing for their college educations.

RULE #10 - The Art of Conversation - More important than SEX

The woman's dilemma - He interrupts her conversation, by inserting his opinions and new ideas.. Interrupting her when she's trying to say something is an insult and can hurt her feelings. Men do this because they are egotistic and want to feel important, to be heard, and to be recognized even if what they have to say has nothing to do with the subject of whether to use a cornice or a balloon shade window treatment in the bathroom.                                

The man's response - Don't commit this deadly sin, put your ego aside and concentrate  on what she is saying. If she's talking about a subject you have no interest in, don't spend your time trying to come up with ways to change the topic of conversation to something that you enjoy talking about. Focus your undivided attention on her, don't butt in.
COMMENTARY - This would a great time a man to have a temporary lobotomy coupled with a CD of Iggy and The Stooges' "Funhouse" fed directly to his brain.

RULE#11 - Dealing with the Curse of Hormones

The woman's predicament.- He has no idea of how difficult her life is made by the unfair hormonal cross she has to bear.  She's had to endure teenage hormones, PMS and menopause. Men on the other hand are dogs.

The man's response - Please read and commit to memory:
The Hormonal Response of Women During Sub-maximal and Maximal Exercise    
The Hormonal Response of Women During Sub-maximal and Maximal Exercise
By: Brianna Smith, Doctoral Candidate, USSA
There are successions of physiological responses that occur due to exercise, including the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis and autonomic nervous system activation.Stimulation of the HPA axis and the sympathetic nervous system secretes hormones that maintain the demands of muscles during exercise (Galliven 1997, Singh 1998). Activation of the HPA axis is demonstrated by the increase in elevated plasma levels of adrenocorticotropin (ACTH) and cortisol (Singh, 1999).
COMMENTARY - It is important for the man never to be impatient with a hormonally challenged woman. It is not her fault - it is the man's fault for not having a better grasp on her situation  

RULE #12 - Understanding Etiquette
The Woman's predicament - A woman needs her equality to be recognized by the man. At the same time it is important for the relationship that the man be courteous and chivalrous. Rules of etiquette include:
Do not talk with mouth full.
Do not put elbows on table.
Never leave the table before the rest of the family or guests without asking the host or hostess to excuse you.
Don't blow your nose or hock up a goober in her presence, esp. at her family's Sunday dinner..
Use a napkin only for your mouth, never for your nose or forehead.
Do not pick your teeth at the table, but if necessary, hold napkin over your mouth.                   Belching and farting in public is disgusting.                                                                                       Do not pick your nose, make fart sounds with your hand under your armpit or scratch your balls and smell your hand. Always wear clean underwear, no skidmarks and clean socks. Don't remove your 3 day old socks and leave them on the living room floor while you remove the toe jam from your feet.

The man's response - Where's The Kool Aid ?.                                                          
COMMENTARY - Men are dogs. Rule #12 barely scratches the surface.

The 12 Rules for a Happy Marriage is the condensed and recapped version of the original 25 Rules to A Happy Marriage. For Women this is an important treatise to help them navigate the perils of marriage and the hopelessness of trying to operate  sanely in the same world as men. For men there is a need to understand their role in her life. Their role and behavior is on a `need to know basis'. What ever the woman needs they had better know it.

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