So, well, uh, you know mrphlbmblbn.......And it's been a great run here in Cincinnati for me. I wanted to say a few things before I pack all my calligraphy shit up and leave.

First of all, this has come unexpectedly. All signs pointed to us being able to turn this thing around. I've been talking to the guys about doing the right thing and playing the right way, and I think I've really been getting through to them.

But somewhere between last week and this week, Bob opened the paper for the first time this year and saw that we were in last place, and man, he flipped. Uh, he was like "You guys are making me look like a douche! I promised winning baseball and stuff". We were just kinda in shock that he was so angry. I was like, "Don't look at me in that tone of voice". I mean, there's a fundamental way to blow up and he was not executing in the clutch, you know. He also took the opportunity to tell me he knew I was calling him "Big C, little lini" behind his back. He-he-he-he...ehhhh.

But I will say Wayne-O tried to step in on my behalf and told him that this stuff takes time, and that I was a huge baseball guy, and that he was Wayne Krisky. He was like "This stuff takes time. Jerry's a huge baseball guy, and that's Wayne Krivsky talkin'." That's a big in my book, the book of Jerry. Wayne's my boo and I'll always have his back for that one. We were always on the same page, fundamentally, and saw eye-to-eye on pretty much everything except his attire..hoodaplefufleeessabn......He-he-he-he!

Yeah, Bob was so furious he threatened to fire my brother for doing such a poor job....of doing nothing, and still may. But he eventually calmed down, even saying at one point there were no hard feelings and to give him a holler sometime, you know.

It's not easy getting out there and "getting it done" these days. This game has changed so much, everything is the same only different. I still say bunting with 3 stikes and nobody on is the wave of the future. I also feel that if given all the veteran presence I've had over my tenure all at once, we'd have known what it took as a club. Just think about that. If we had all the pieces back that we've let slip through our fingers playing the same field, not being gummed up by hot-shot noobs, there's no doubt about potential. You just can't count on youth to play solid, they don't know.

I know every interview I've ever given has been non-committal and vague. But you have to understand, my job is on the line and the only way to keep your job is to pander to your boss and not make decisive statements to the press about obvious problems on the club. Indecision is the key to flexibility, and flexibility is good.

For the record, however, my system was never really given a complete chance to flourish. I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

For Pete taking over, I implore you stress fundamentals and crazy-ass plays that catch everyone off guard if they work. Do not hesitate to bench anyone for the slightest reason, just don't do it to everyone. Use you best bullpen arms as often as possible, though this is a solid basic I'm sure you understand by now. As is leaving your weaker starters in for an extra inning or two after they've lost it to help build their confidence. I tell the guys all the time that a day without sunshine is like night-time, uh.

I'm taking the high road as I commit Alan here. I'm not going to say John Allen is really a jerk or anything like that. What's Jerry going to do? Don't worry about Jerry. I'll be fine. I plan on catching up on some calligraphy, building a new scotch bar in the basement, endorsing the occasional batting video, stuff like that. I've been talking to this upstart about an organic line of peanut butters, branded as Jerry's Own.

As I continue my search for a job that is right for me, I leave you with words from Grandpa Narron "I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week"
Narron Out!